This poem is written by my friend dedicated to ME

She'd like to hear your comments

School Lost

As her height has not surpassed the fields flowers,

The child's fancy has surpassed the highest towers.

Running like a deer from field to another

She comes back to the lap of 'er mother

And never troubles her joy to lock,

Its doors by hands of silly clock.

Her name could draw the future hope,

She plays the swing in rosy robe,

She has two braids of beautiful hair,

Her white ribbons dancing in the air.

At the time she had to go to school,

She jumped with joy, and thought it's cool

Put on her dress, and left at eight.

Her father led her to the gate,

"My dear daughter, this is the school"

She squinted and murmured "I'm not fool"!!

The stubborn child went forward with lag,

Dragging on the floor her empty bag.

She has two braids of beautiful hair,

Her white ribbons dancing in the air.

She saw teachers and met the students

But none could win the junior content!

An innocent question was born in her brain

"when shall I get to school", asked in pain.

The time crawled on her impatient heart,

At last, it was the coach part,

Stood with her mates in that rank,

She stared at a bus and sank.

She has two braids of beautiful hair,

Her white ribbons dancing in the air.

Without her the coach departed,

She waved good-bye in the bus as they parted,

Carrying her dreams from place to place,

Where she knew no way or face,

Till she was the only one left

She turned her head right and left.

A furious question moved again

"Where the hell is the school lane?"

She has two braids of beautiful hair,

Her white ribbons dancing in the air

Thanks in advance
Hi

Mister Micawber wrote in his post for this section of poetry: "Posting your efforts here sets you open to both unrestrained admiration for your literary talents, and creative criticism from those who hold a stricter view of what poetry should be." and "keep in mind that it will be as open to grammatical and structural examination as are essays, letters and other submissions to English Forums. Just as essays and business letters require certain elements of appropriateness, so does a poem have criteria.."

It's only when I read this I decide to post the poem…. BUT

Alas Mister MicawberEmotion: crying…. No criticism no admiration are posted here .

I was soooo eager to hear from you particularly native speakers to give your comments on the poem… no matter how harsh they are!! The main point is to get the greatest benefit… to avoid mistakes and improve language skills… ( especially when u know that this poem is written by non-native speaker )







My regards,

As her height has not surpassed the fields flowers, (As not quite right here. You need to ge the meaning 'although' in here)

The child's fancy has surpassed the highest towers.

Running like a deer from field to another (one field to another)

She comes back to the lap of 'er mother ('er sounds a bit daft. Why did you decide to drop the h?)

And never troubles her joy to lock,

Its doors by hands of silly clock.

Her name could draw the future hope,

She plays the swing in rosy robe, (hope/robe rhyme? hmmmm)

She has two braids of beautiful hair,

Her white ribbons dancing in the air.

At the time she had to go to school,

She jumped with joy, and thought it's cool

Put on her dress, and left at eight.

Her father led her to the gate,

"My dear daughter, this is the school" (better rhythm if you put daughter dear)

She squinted and murmured "I'm not fool"!!

The stubborn child went forward with lag, (with lag, no doesn't work)

Dragging on the floor her empty bag. (why has her attitude changed?)

She has two braids of beautiful hair,

Her white ribbons dancing in the air.

She saw teachers and met the students (the teachers)

But none could win the junior content! (not sure what this means)

An innocent question was born in her brain

"when shall I get to school", asked in pain. (isn't she there?)

The time crawled on her impatient heart,

At last, it was the coach part,

Stood with her mates in that rank,

She stared at a bus and sank. (her heart sank)

She has two braids of beautiful hair,

Her white ribbons dancing in the air.

Without her the coach departed,

She waved good-bye in the bus as they parted, (she is not in the bus, she waved to the bus)

Carrying her dreams from place to place,

Where she knew no way or face,

Till she was the only one left

She turned her head right and left.

A furious question moved again

"Where the hell is the school lane?" (huh? If she wants to go to school why didn't she get on the bus?)

She has two braids of beautiful hair,

Her white ribbons dancing in the air
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The images of two braids of beautiful hair with white ribbons in the poem of your friend remind me of the memory of my childhood. The ribbons of braids of hair seems to fly like the petals of flowers before the breeze in everywhere in the poem.It's very romantic.I remember in my golden chilhood, I didn't have two braids but I had only a Pony tail. I want to have a response poem to your friend's poem but I can't create it because your poem is really a "native poem" However , it reveals my image in the past with an impressive pony tail with the multitude flowers and butterflies. On the promenade at the seaside., a photographer saw this lively picture and asked me to take it for a roll of film . He didn't give me back.And my friends used the black and white camera to take my photos with the same way and the same place with blue sky, white waves, brown rocks, golden sand and the multitude of colours of flowers and butterflies.The pony tail was very impressive because all of my friends always let their hairs flying in the breeze besides me.No one can imagined it could be beautiful than this . This was the first time ,we felt the ponytail pretty and now your two braids, they are not only splendid in the poem but{if you photograph it}they are also the objects that people will never forget t when they are mixed with the beauty spots that the poem describes.

The poem is an example for a new poem.I'll imitate it to create some verses like these. Something is very lively and contains a lot of feelings of happiness .

Phuong ninh