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Nowadays, many children have their own smart phone or laptop and their parents don’t spend enough attention for them, so children can’t manage their time between study and entertain. You know what, most children around the world are using social network, especially Facebook. I, as my friends, are using Facebook because it has a lot of advantages with us. For example, it helps us contact with people all over the world, updates the news, etc. Nevertheless, Facebook also brings us negative effects and teenagers shouldn’t spend too much time on it. Firstly, in our ages, Facebook is not a good choice because there are many harmful information for us, like crime, violence, sex. Besides, Facebook can contact us with many people, including good and bad people. If a kid use Facebook, then a bad guy can use them to do illegal acts. Moreover, when children spend all their free time on Facebook, they will become antisocial and their health will be affected, so they can't study well. To sum up, kids shouldn't spend too much time using Facebook, then they should use that time for do outdoor activities, help their family and do their hobby like art, sing, etc.

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Welcome to English Forums, Rosie Kazy.

Please post paragraphs, dialogs, essays and other text to the "writing" forum so a moderator does not have to move it.

https://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayReportCompositionWriting/Forum9.htm


Next, do not put the writing instructions in the subject line:

Subject: Please review my paragraph

Body:

Instructions: Should teenagers spend free time on Facebook? Write a short paragraph (about 70-80 words) to give your ideas.


Comments:

1. You wrote 200 words. The instructions were to write 70-80.
Pay attention to the instructions. If you are in an exam, you will lose points if you do not follow instructions correctly. Long essays will almost guarantee a poor score. You will make more mistakes in vocabulary and grammar, your writing will be verbose with off-topic ideas, the structure will be poor and you will run out of time, so you will not have an effective conclusion.

2. You wrote an essay, not a paragraph. An essay is made up of several paragraphs, each with a main point.

3. You have no thesis sentence for the paragraph. It just rambles. The first sentence should answer the question for the reader: Should teenagers spend free time on Facebook? Is your answer Yes or No?


Nowadays, many children (Not a good word. Children are generally aged 1-12. Most teens would feel insulted if you called them a child.. ) have their own smart phone or laptop and their parents don’t spend (wrong word) enough attention for them, so children can’t manage their time between study and entertain. (wrong word. Also this sentence is not on the topic of social media and teenagers) You know what, most children around the world are using social network, (wrong from) especially Facebook. I, as my friends, (very awkward. unnatural) My friends and I are using Facebook because it has a lot of advantages with (wrong word) us. For example, it helps us contact with (wrong phrase) people all over the world, updates the news, (wrong phrase) etc. (Never use ellipses, "etc." or phrases like "ans so on" in formal writing.) Nevertheless, Facebook also brings us has its negative effects ("Bring .. effects" is not a good combination.) and teenagers shouldn’t spend too much time on it. Firstly, First, in our ages, (wrong phrase) Facebook is not a good choice because there are many (wrong word) harmful information for us, like crime, violence, sex. (missing conjunction) Besides, Facebook can contact us with many people, (wrong expression) including good and bad people. If a kid (Kid is very informal.) use (wrong verb form) Facebook, then a bad guy can use them to do illegal acts. Moreover, when children spend all their free time on Facebook, they will become antisocial and their health is will be affected, so they can't study well. To sum up, kids shouldn't spend too much time using Facebook, (comma splice error, run-on sentence. ungrammatical ) then (wrong word) they should use that time for do outdoor activities, help their family and do their hobby like art, sing, etc.

Comments  
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Thank you so much

I love it very much. The social network can effect to our life and we are relying to it very much. So this passage can help people knows more about it. Thanks you very much, love you.
Facebook today is all popular in the world, and there are many teenagers,and sometimes children who use facebook. However, Facebook always has two things that are positive and negative, positive. What does it include? First, facebook helps you relax when going to school or working. it helps you update the news, and the things you don't know. As for the negative part, it can affect your health, sometimes you will have a nervous disorder. And every time you interact with friends on it, you won't know if you're a bad person or a good person, you have to be careful with the lures on facebook or else you will be kidnapped and sold to another country. In short you have to be careful with it and don't play too much will it's not good, and in my opinion the kids here can all play facebook because it can entertain you but don't be too addicted to it because it's not good for you and hope the producer can get rid of the bad ones.bad so that it can be safe for everyone in the world.
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