+0
Nowadays, violence in TV has gained popularity in our daily basic. It is believed that children may be affected by the brutal scenes in some channels. This essay will proposing a lasting solution to these issues. First of all, children with lack of attention of their parents tend to addicted to TV or games. In fact, these children can not solve problems when it come up and they have nothing to deal with it. In addition, they are not able to share their problems with their parents, so they may release stress by watching or playing some violent games. This may led to violent among their behavior and the way they act. To solve this problem, both parents should raise awareness about the age rating system of media being consumed. Hence, parents should reduce their work and spend more time with their child in order to control the genres of entertainment on social media. For example, some videos on YouTube are not age rated and this may lead to some scenes are not suitable for kid. Therefore, if the age rating system is well understand by the adults, the risk of exposing children to unsuitable subjects will mitigated. Moreover, children must be reduced leisure time for the sake of them. In fact, some parents leave their child with smartphone in order to keep them quiet. That makes them passive and may lead to deviations in thinking. So, parents should spend time on hanging out or playing with them instead of letting them affected by negative information on social networks. In conclusion, all of the solution mentioned above make sense, and consequently. For my part, I believe that parents play a vital role in child maturation, so that, a possible solution is bringing information to parents about the benefits of age rating system to control children access to entertainment.
+0

Please post essays in the essay forum so a moderator does not have to move your post.
https://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayReportCompositionWriting/Forum9.htm


Please do not put the essay instructions in the "Subject" line.
Put it with your answer in the message body.

Subject: Please review my IELTS essay

Message body:
Topic: Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, videos game and other types of entertainment for children's leisure. How do you think problem can be tackled?

My essay:

(Your text here...)
---------------------


You need to write in paragraphs. An academic essay has at least 4 paragraphs:

Introduction

Body paragraphs

Conclusion

+0

You need to rewrite your essay in paragraphs. I have highlighted the mistakes that you should fix in your next revision.


Nowadays, violence in TV has gained popularity (Popularity means that people like it a lot. Do people like violence?) in our daily basic. It is believed that children may be affected by the brutal scenes in some channels. This essay will proposing a lasting solution to these issues. (Never mention your essay in an academic essay. You need a thesis statement, that is, the main point of the essay) First of all, children with lack of attention of their parents tend to addicted (wrong verb form) to TV or games. In fact, these children can not solve problems when it come up and they have nothing to deal with it. (I do not understand this.) In addition, they are not able to share their problems with their parents, so they may release stress by watching or playing some violent games. This may led to violent (wrong word) among their behavior (wrong expression) and the way they act. To solve this problem, both parents should raise awareness (wrong usage) about the age rating system of media being consumed. Hence, parents should reduce their work and spend more time with their child in order to control the genres of (wrong usage) entertainment on social media. For example, some videos on YouTube are not age rated and this may lead to some scenes are not suitable (ungrammatical form) for kid. (wrong form) Therefore, if the age rating system is well understand (wrong form) by the adults, the risk of exposing children to unsuitable subjects (wrong word) will mitigated. Moreover, children must be reduced (wrong verb form) leisure time for the sake of them. In fact, some parents leave their child (wrong form) with smartphone (wrong form) in order to keep them quiet. That makes them passive and may lead to deviations in thinking. So, parents should spend time on hanging out or playing with them instead of letting them affected (wrong usage) by negative information on social networks. In conclusion, all of these solution (wrong form) mentioned above make sense, and consequently. (wrong usage) For my part, I believe that parents play a vital role in child maturation, so that, a possible solution is bringing information to parents about the benefits of age rating system to control children (wrong form) access to entertainment.

Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Comments  
Can you explain why the word “smartphone” and the word “kid” are wrong form, please, and which word should I replace with?
Site Hint: Check out our list of pronunciation videos.

They should both be plural, but 'kids' is too informal to use in an essay instead of 'children'.

yggg...are wrong form, please, and which word should I replace them with?

The basic word is correct, but the form is not.

Noun forms are singular, possessive and plural.

Pronouns have subjective, objective and possessive forms.
Verbs have many forms such as tenses and voice.
Sometimes a small change will make a noun into an adjective or an adjective into an adverb.


You need to consider the sentence and the part of speech you need. Then change the word to its grammatically correct form.