Here is one of the letters in question:
It is great pleasure for us to inform you that the [convention name] will be held in [city, country] from June 15 - 18, 2010.
The program committee of [medical society] recommended you as one of the top-class experts who can give an insight into the most recent knowledge in your field.
So, we would like to invite you to our congress as the chairs/co-chairs/guest speakers in each session and kindly request your acceptance.
Please find the attached invitation letter and let us know your response in writing until [date].
Here is my revision:
It gives us great pleasure to inform you that we have been chosen to organise the [convention name] which will be held in [city, country] from June 15th to 18th, 2010.
The program committe of [medical society] has acknowledged you as a world class expert capable of providing deep insight into the latest developments in your field.
Thus we would like to cordially invite you to serve as a [chair/co-chair/guest speaker] during one of the sessions of our conference.
We have attached a formal invitation letter to this email. Please notify us of your response in writing by [date]. We would be deeply honored to have you.
Thank you in advance for any comments, ideas or suggestions you can offer for either the original letter, my revisions or both.
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I am still interested in any insights readers may be able to provide concerning problems with the original letter or my revision.
I don't know if you received any further comments on your letter. I agree your draft of the letter was much improved over the original. I don't know who your audience of selected experts would be, however. Is English their native language? If they are all native speakers of another language (and English is just a convenient common language), maybe the additional nuance I have included would not be all that helpful.
Bearing in mind the above question on the "audience" for your letter, if it were me, I would probably not start with "It gives us great pleasure to inform you that" as that sounds a little foreign (to me) or we might say "stiff" or "old school" (old fashioned). I left that in, however, because that may well be closer to the way you (and your company) would say it and start a letter. And it is your letter.
In USA, we spell organise as "organize," but I think "committee" would be the correct spelling in the US or Great Britain/ Commonwealth countries.
Here is my thought on the draft. I've put some options in for different ways to say some things (direct and more passive), but I would not use "serve" with "speaker," just invite them "to speak" or to come to the convention as a guest speaker (the word "come" would be understood, and need not be stated if "invite" is used):
It gives us great pleasure to inform you that we have been chosen to organise the [convention name], which will be held in [city, country], from June 15- 18, 2010.
The program committee of [medical society] has recognized you as a leading world expert in the field of _____].
Thus, we [cordially to invite you] [cordially extend an invitation to you] [to serve as a chair/co-chair of] [as a special guest speaker at] one of the sessions of our conference to share your insights into the latest developments in your field.
We have attached a formal invitation from [the medical society or name of the sponsoring organization] to this email. We would be deeply honored to have you participate in [convention name]. Please notify us of your response [let us know if you are able to attend/serve as _______] in writing by [date].
Your command of English is very impressive and your colleagues should give you more credit for that (even if they are your "seniors" there). There are grammatical errors in the original draft, but I'm not sure I'm the best person to explain them technically.
I came across your draft letter and question on this site while in search of guidance on typing hangul into my mac word processing application (iWork) to make flashcards for my beginner study of Korean. As I am only at the point of being able to ask where the bathroom is, but not yet really being able to understand any directions back to me to get there, I would be so happy to only make an occasional "silly mistake" in Korean.
Hope this helps. Best of luck in your job.
TAKE NOTE: DO NOT SAY THANK YOU IN ADVANCE , WHEN YOU WRITE A FORMAL LETTER. THAT IS HACKNEYED!
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