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Hello everybody.

Here is the second part of my translation of Star Heritage. I post it as a whole, so that you can point the places where I have made mistakes. Once I know where they are, I'll try to fix them.

You should take into consideration that this is a text adventure, and each paragraph is a description of a location or the hero's action, as the first person. The narration is conducted as it was the main character's diary, in which every event is recorded right after completion. So, his general thoughts are in the present, while his actions are described in the past tense.

Thanks in advance
------------------------

I chose a dry place and decided to have a rest.

At night I had to orient by touch. Suddenly I fell into a deep pit full of smelly water. I couldn't get out of it...

Suddenly, from the muddy water appeared a strange creature. I had seen something similar on one planet. The large-fanged water-sprite with a fish tail attacked me.

I resisted desperately, but my vigors were nearly exhausted. Damned planet!

After the fight I could'n come to my senses for a long time. Thanks God, it ended happily. I looked around: the landscape wasn't notable for divercity. In the east I sort of noted some buildings.

The swamp amazed me by its size. But I oriented here quite well already. (+)

The night happend to be extremely dark. Too late I noted that a whole flock of night birds was circling over me. Hadrly had I rised my look to the sky, the winged demons pounced on me.

These creatures were too many. I was loosing my vigors.

Somehow I managed to beat off the birds of prey. A couple of huge birds was left to lie on the grass. It was quickly dawning. I felt worn out. A new day was beginning.

It was comfortable to rest here. A warm wind brought the smell of the sea. I was sure the sea was very close.

The swamp had been left behind. I was on a field overgrown with grass. Now I distinctly saw strange metal constructins in the east. The steep rocks were still stretching in the south. In the north I was amazed to find an uncomely path going across the swamp.

It seemed to me that I had been here one time. From the south I was surrounded by rocks, in the west ranged swamps and in the north the path receded into the distance.

I slept for a while on the grass.

I stood at the territory of an abandoned factory. Everything here had grown over with grass. Part of the buildings was runious. Rusty pipes, addle wooden crates and broken glass were everywhere. To the north of the factory were rocks, the swamps strethed to the south.

Passing by the factury I looked at the ruins one more time. It seems, that it was a weapon factory. That was proven by the rusty parts of ancient laser plants and rocket launchers that were scattered everywhere.

I passed the factory by. It was silent and comfortless here. A light wind drove pieces of paper and cellophane across the ground.
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Comments  
Ok. Should I divide it into ten or more "Please, check a sentence" posts to have replies?

Why is everybody silent?
Please, don't keep me in the dark about your silence.
If you are no longer going to continue to help me with the translation, just write it, and I'll try to find help at another forum...
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Ant_222Please, don't keep me in the dark about your silence. If you are no longer going to continue to help me with the translation, just write it, and I'll try to find help at another forum...
Ant_222

It’s really not my business but I thought I shed a little light on your “arrogant attitude”. First, my understanding is, this forum is set up for basic grammar questions. Your long post takes time to review, and no one is obligated to respond to any posting and therefore should take no attitude from anyone. If you still intend to post question in this forum, I suggest an apology may do you some good. Of course, you can use another name to post but I am sure you won’t do such a cowardly act; would you?
I am behind you, Goodman.

LCChang
«Have you heard that arrogance gets you nowhere?»

I agree completely that nobody is obliged to reply, I didn't even imply the opposite. The problem is that I don't want to have two or more parralel threads on the same subject... What arrogance? I was just interested whether I can hope that someone answers or not. If nobody wants to read my long posts, that's ok.

If it sounded as if I were arrogant towards the readers, I am sorry.
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What arrogance?

Please, don't keep me in the dark about your silence.
If you are no longer going to continue to help me with the translation, just write it, and I'll try to find help at another forum...


It's all in the tone of your voice......
Ant_222«Have you heard that arrogance gets you nowhere?» I agree completely that nobody is obliged to reply, I didn't even imply the opposite. The problem is that I don't want to have two or more parralel threads on the same subject... What arrogance? I was just interested whether I can hope that someone answers or not. If nobody wants to read my long posts, that's ok. If it sounded as if I were arrogant towards the readers, I am sorry.
Your post is warmly receivedEmotion: wink

I did a quick review on your article. Actually the tone sounded pretty good, except a few rough spots on spelling and word choice which are marked. Here it is ....

I chose a dry place and decided to have a rest.

At night I had to orient by touch. Suddenly I fell into a deep pit full of smelly water. I couldn't get out of it...

Suddenly, from the muddy water appeared a strange creature. I had seen something similar on one planet. The large-fanged water-sprite with a fish tail attacked me.

I resisted desperately, but my vigor (no s) were nearly exhausted. Damned planet!

After the fight I could'n come to my senses for a long time. Thanks God, it ended happily. I looked around: the landscape wasn't notable for divercity. In the east I sort of noted some buildings.

The swamp amazed me by its size. But I oriented (did you mean orientated ?) here quite well already. (+)

The night happened to be extremely dark. Too late I noted that a whole flock of night birds was circling over me. Hadrly had I rised my look to the sky, the winged demons pounced on me.

These creatures were too many. I was loosing my vigors.

Somehow I managed to beat off the birds of prey. A couple of huge birds was left to lie on the grass. It was quickly dawning. I felt worn out. A new day was beginning.

It was comfortable to rest here. A warm wind brought the smell of the sea. I was sure the sea was very close.

The swamp had been left behind. I was on a field overgrown with grass. Now I distinctly saw strange metal constructins (structures?) in the east. The steep rocks were still stretching in the south. In the north I was amazed to find an uncomely ( choice of word) path going across the swamp.

It seemed to me that I had been here one time. From the south I was surrounded by rocks, in the west ranged swamps and in the north the path receded into the dis­tance.

I slept for a while on the grass.

I stood at the territory of an abandoned factory. Everything here had grown over with grass. Part of the buildings was runious. Rusty pipes, addle wooden crates and broken glass were everywhere. To the north of the factory were rocks, the swamps strethed to the south.

Passing by the factury I looked at the ruins one more time. It seems (tense), that it was a weapon factory. That was proven by the rusty parts of ancient laser plants and rocket launchers that were scattered everywhere.

I passed the factory by. It was silent and comfortless here. A light wind drove pieces of paper and cellophane across the ground.
Thank you very much, Goodman.

Below I have tried to correct the errors you pointed out, but I didn't succeed. In many cases I don't know what's incorrect and how to correct it. So I need further help on part of my errors.

«At night I had to orient by touch. Suddenly I fell into a deep pit full of smelly water. I couldn't get out of it...»

I didn't see nothing, so I had to orient by touch. Isn't «orient» equal to «orientate» in this context?

«Hardly had I rised_ my _look_ to the sky, the winged demons pounced _on me.»

rise -> raise?
look -> eyes?
on -> at, upon?

«Somehow I managed to beat off the birds»
Yeah, what's wrong with the «beat»?

«Now I distinctly saw strange metal constructins (structures?) in the east»
«Constructions» doesn't equal «structures» in this context, do they?

«In the north I was amazed to find an uncomely ( choice of word) path...»
Hmm.
Uncomely -> imperceptible, unremarkable, unnoticable?

«I stood at the territory of an abandoned factory. _Everything here had grown over with grass._»
Is «Everything here was grown over with grass» ok, or is there another problem (not tense)?

«Part of the buildings was runious
runious -> runious?

«..._addle_ wooden crates...»
Don't know a word to express what happens to wood with time, especially when it's in a humid environment.
Probable choices are:
putrid, decomposed, decayed, corrupt... Which can be applied to wood?

«Passing by the factory I looked at the ruins one more time. It seems (tense), that it was a weapon factory.»

Well, these are actual thoughts of the main character, so I used present simple. As I wrote above, his actions are described in past tenses, whereas his thoughts in present ones, as if he were writing them in a diary after completion.

For example, in a diary we may find something like the following:
«Date: so and so. Today I went to Moscow and bought a scanner there. It's very good: a standard 18x24 mm frame from my FED-Micron it scans into an image <...>»

Thus, past events are in are in past tenses, while actual (by the date) ones are in present teses... It's a text adventure, so writing everything in past tenses (as a usual narrative) won't do.

«It was silent and comfortless here.»
No idea why «comfortless» is incorrect.
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