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I am applying to the Master's in Finance at a UK university, please review my essay and let me know what I can remove or improve. Your feedback is of utmost importance to me. ( I have removed the name of the university and company for privacy concerns.)

Growing up in a family of businessmen, who rose from humble beginnings to set up and run a successful Kraft paper and corrugated boxes manufacturing company has rooted the values of self-belief, hard work and determination in me from a young age. My earliest experience with finance and business comes from working at my family’s manufacturing company in India. During my tenure as an intern, my responsibilities involved gathering and reporting financial data, such as pricing, cash flow, balance sheet, and profit-and-loss statements, thus enabling me to gain invaluable insight into the finances involved in running a manufacturing business. Here, I realized Finance plays a significant role at the core of every organization and informs decision making at all levels of business. However, my experience in XYZ strengthened my conviction towards Finance. During the XYZ Q4 Rewards and recognition Event, in one of the most compelling presentations, I learned that with the increase in demand for innovation and agility from IT, the sector has to look beyond the usual funding approaches. It needs to adopt sustainable strategies and ensure that the assets and the financial plans align with the company’s business goals, reducing the TCO and enhancing the ROI. It also introduced me to forward-looking statements, EPS, GAAP gross margins, non-GAAP earnings and cash flow outlooks. Bewildered and amazed, I started to explore the internet and read about the different financial aspects of a corporate firm. Thus, in an effort to further enhance my knowledge of finance, I attended the online certification course “Finance Essentials” offered by Imperial College London. It gave me first-hand knowledge of financial topics such as, present value, IRR, capital budgeting, equity, bonds and the capital asset pricing model. However, to achieve my goals I require a more comprehensive knowledge of Finance which I believe I will be able to accomplish with this Finance MSc program at University ABC.

Understanding the vital role of technology and automation in business and how it can transform any business sector’s landscape was one of the primary reasons for choosing Electronics and Communication Engineering for my undergraduate studies. Studying engineering has not only taught me the practical skills required but also the analytical and quantitative skills necessary to understand the basics of financial problem-solving and financial modeling, preparing me for the MSc Finance degree.

While pursuing my engineering studies, I also interned at AESEC, an international student association that provides young people with leadership development, cross-cultural internships, and global volunteer exchange experiences. I worked to provide placement opportunities for international students by engaging with local companies and organisations to connect students with. My time with this association has taught me the power of unity and the importance of networking and learning through exchanging different cultures.

During college, seeing the contrast in living standards of the people in India, I joined an NGO, where I volunteer to teach the underprivileged school students during the weekend, as I believe education forms the base of every society as it moulds the future generations. Also, being the cultural convener of my college, I organized a blood donation drive and raised over 300 Units. I was further elected as the student representative for the next two years, during which I organized several events such as guest lectures, technical competitions and cultural functions and helped get sponsorship from the local business houses by various promotional events. These experiences gave me the exposure to handle a team, control finances, market events, and collaborate with valuable brands. Qualities and knowledge of which I not only want to contribute to the student community but also share the experience that I gained during my work with other students

After my graduation, although I had the opportunity to join my family business, I chose to join XYZ to get a first-hand experience of working in a corporate environment and to understand the workings of a global company. As a Storage Engineer at XYZ, I worked within the global team, where I interacted with customers from around the world on a daily basis. I also worked as part of a larger team to meet targets which enabled me to be resilient and work efficiently even under pressure.

As a prospective financial analyst intending to work in a competitive sector in a global market, a Master’s in Finance from ABC will give me a head start in the financial world. I am looking forward to this intense and unique MSc Finance program brought together by the Economics and Management School of ABC, as it will provide me with the necessary financial knowledge to make the transition from the STEM industry to finance. The amalgamation of core courses “Corporate Finance” and “Financial econometrics” with career-centric electives “Corporate Finance Practices” and “Big Data Analytics” will allow me to gain a deeper insight into these advanced concepts. The emphasis on the quantitative methods and programming was a very attractive part of the program, as it would allow me to further develop my technical abilities gained during my undergraduate study and apply them effectively within a financial context.

By studying Finance, I hope to get an in-depth understanding of the varied facets of the financial sector and take the learnings back to my home country to start my professional career in corporate finance at a multinational company. Furthermore, with Bengaluru being ranked as the world’s fastest-growing tech hub and a favorable destination for global investors, there is tremendous growth potential for core finance professionals. Therefore, I want to grab this opportunity to establish myself as a leading professional in this field. Learning the financial and business techniques required to manage a successful company will be an asset in launching my business, which is my long-term goal. Moreover, I believe living in a financial hub like London and studying in a multi-cultural environment will open doors to build a global network and exchange ideas in order to accomplish my goals. I plan to join the student-led “Women in Finance club” and the “Economics and Finance Society”, which will give me an opportunity to interact with industry experts, network and build on opportunities. I am confident that with my varied experiences along with my leadership and inter-personal skills, I will make a meaningful contribution to the student community at ABC.

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You have over 1000 words. Most institutions request a letter of 800 words. You respect your reader by writing your ideas in a succinct manner.

There is a lot of verbosity in your text, and the transitions and flow is deficient. Here are some suggestions for your first few paragraphs. There is no transition between them, so the letter reads more like a random brainstorm than a persuasive, coherent essay.



Growing up in a family of businessmen, who rose from humble beginnings to set up and run a successful Kraft (Do you mean "craft"?) paper and corrugated boxes manufacturing company, I acquired has rooted the values of self-belief, hard work and determination in me from a young age. My earliest experience with finance and business comes from working at my family’s business where manufacturing company in India. Repetitious. You mentioned this in the last sentence.) During my tenure as an intern, my responsibilities involved gathering raw financial data and generating reports such as the reporting financial data, such as pricing, cash flow, balance sheet, and profit-and-loss statements. , thus enabling me to gain invaluable insight into the finances involved in running a manufacturing business. Here, I realized Finance plays a the significant role that finance plays at the core of every organization, informing and informs decision making at all levels of business. (You have switched topics here. There is no transition. Are you still talking about your family's business? I find your text impossible to follow. You have to learn about paragraphs. They have one main topic with supporting information. You started with your family business. ) However, (wrong transition.) my experience in XYZ strengthened my conviction towards Finance. During the XYZ Q4 Rewards and Recognition Event, (What is this? ) in one of the most compelling presentations, I learned that with the increase in demand for innovation and agility from IT, the sector (What sector are you talking about? Software development?) has to look beyond the usual funding approaches. (Do you mean selling shares on the stock market or issuing debt instruments?) It (What is "it"? Information Technology?) needs to adopt sustainable strategies and ensure that the assets and the financial plans align with the company’s business goals, reducing the TCO (Do not use acronyms without defining them.) and enhancing the ROI. It also introduced me to forward-looking statements, EPS, GAAP gross margins, non-GAAP earnings and cash flow outlooks. Bewildered and amazed, (You family's business dismayed you?) I started to explore the internet (everyone does that!) and read about the different financial aspects of a large international corporation. corporate firm. Thus, in an effort to further enhance my knowledge of finance, I also attended the online certification course “Finance Essentials” offered by Imperial College London. It gave me first-hand knowledge of financial topics such as, present value, IRR, capital budgeting, equity, bonds and the capital asset pricing models. However, to achieve my goals I require a more comprehensive knowledge of Finance which I believe I will be able to accomplish with this Finance MSc program at University ABC.

(There is no transition from the previous paragraph.) Understanding the vital role of technology and automation in business and how it can transform any business sector’s landscape was one of the primary reasons that I chose for choosing Electronics and Communication Engineering for my undergraduate studies. Studying engineering has not only taught me the practical skills required but also the analytical and quantitative skills necessary to understand the basics of financial problem-solving and financial modeling, preparing me for the MSc Finance degree.

While pursuing my engineering studies, I also interned at AESEC, an international student association that provides young people with leadership development, cross-cultural internships, and global volunteer exchange experiences. I worked to provide placement opportunities for international students by engaging with local companies and organisations to connect students with. My time with this association has taught me the power of unity and the importance of networking and learning through cultural exchange. exchanging different cultures.

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Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.

Thank you so much for the honest review, I have removed some of the content. Could you please give me feedback on this one and let me know if I should change the order of the paragraphs?

My earliest experience with finance comes from working at my family’s Kraft (Do you mean "craft"?- No, I mean Kraft – It’s a paper used in the packaging industry) paper and corrugated boxes manufacturing company in India. As an intern, my responsibilities involved gathering raw financial data and generating reports such as the balance sheet, and profit-and-loss statements. Here, I realized the significant role that finance plays at the core of every organization, informing decision making at all levels of business. Thus, in an effort to further enhance my financial knowledge, I attended the online certification course “Finance Essentials” offered by Imperial College London. It gave me first-hand knowledge of financial topics such as present value, internal rate of return, capital budgeting, equity, bonds, and the capital asset pricing models. However, to achieve my goals I require a more comprehensive knowledge of Finance which I believe I will be able to accomplish with this Finance MSc program at University ABC.

(There is no transition from the previous paragraph.)Moreover, understanding the vital role of technology and automation in business was one of the primary reasons that I chose Electronics and Communication Engineering for my undergraduate studies. Studying engineering has not only taught me the practical skills required but also the analytical and quantitative skills necessary to understand the basics of financial problem-solving and financial modeling, preparing me for the MSc Finance degree.

While pursuing my engineering studies, aiming to create a positive social impact, I interned at the International Student association AIESEC to provide placement opportunities for international students by engaging with local companies and organizations. My time with this association has taught me the power of unity and the importance of networking and learning through cultural exchange. Also, being the cultural convener of my college, I organized a blood donation drive and raised over 300 Units. I was further elected as the student representative for two consecutive years, during which I organized several events such as guest lectures, technical competitions and cultural functions and helped get sponsorship from the local business houses by various promotional events. These experiences gave me the exposure to handle a team, control finances, market events, and collaborate with valuable brands.

After my under graduation, I chose to join XYZ to get a first-hand experience of working in a corporate environment and to understand the workings of a large global company. Joining ABC as an enterprise storage engineer in the global deployment team, I interacted with customers from around the world on a daily basis. Having worked in teams to meet targets has taught me to be resilient and work efficiently even under pressure.

As a prospective financial analyst intending to work in a competitive sector in a global market, a Master’s in Finance from ABC will give me a head start in the financial world. I am looking forward to this intense and unique MSc Finance program brought together by the Economics and Management School of ABC, as it will provide me with the necessary financial knowledge to make the transition from the STEM industry to finance. The combination of core courses “Corporate Finance” and “Financial econometrics” with career-centric electives “Corporate Finance Practices” and “Big Data Analytics” will allow me to gain a deeper insight into these advanced concepts. The emphasis on the quantitative methods and programming was a very attractive part of the program, as it would allow me to further develop my technical abilities gained during my undergraduate study and apply it effectively within a financial context.

By studying Finance, I hope to get an in-depth understanding of varied facets of the financial sector and take the learnings back to my home country and start my professional career in the field of corporate finance at a multinational company. Also, with Bengaluru being ranked as the world’s fastest growing tech hub and a favourable destination for global investors, there is tremendous growth potential for core finance professionals. Therefore, I want to grab this opportunity to establish myself as a leading professional in this field. Learning the financial and business techniques required to manage a successful company will be an asset in launching my business, which is my long-term goal. Moreover, I believe living in a financial hub like London and studying in a multi-cultural environment will open doors to build a global network and exchange ideas in order to accomplish my goals. I plan to join the student-led “Women in Finance club” and the “Economics and Finance Society”, which will give me an opportunity to interact with industry experts, network and build on opportunities. I am confident that with my varied experiences along with my leadership and interpersonal skills, I will make a meaningful contribution to the student community at ABC.


The key objectives of the Finance MSc program at ABC, align with my academic, professional and future interests. Therefore, I hope the admission committee recognizes my potential and enthusiasm to excel by giving me this opportunity to study Finance at this world-class institution.

I have given you some suggestions for the first paragraph. You need to organize your ideas and text in the subsequent paragraphs so that they flow logically and naturally.

I believe that you never made an outline of your essay before writing it, so it results in disorganization. Finance and other subjects require an organized and disciplined mode of thinking. Admissions committees look for these qualities in the cover letter. Transitions between ideas is of paramount importance.


My earliest experience with finance comes from working at my family’s kraft paper and corrugated boxes manufacturing company in India. As an intern, my responsibilities involved gathering raw financial data and generating reports such as the balance sheet and profit-and-loss statements. Here, I realized the significant role that finance plays at the core of every organization, informing decision making at all levels of business. Thus, in an effort to further enhance my financial knowledge, ("Enhance knowledge" is not a normal collocation. You can increase, broaden or gain knowledge. ) Striving to gain more knowledge of the subject, I attended the online certification course “Finance Essentials” offered by Imperial College London which taught the calculation of It gave me first-hand knowledge of financial topics such as present value and internal rate of return, as well as the subjects of capital budgeting, equity, bonds, and the capital asset pricing models. However, I realize this was only an introduction. To achieve my goal of being a Chief Financial Officer of a major corporation, I require a postgraduate degree. That led me to apply to the more comprehensive knowledge of Finance which I believe I will be able to accomplish with this Finance MSc program in Finance at University ABC.

(There is no transition from the previous paragraph.)Moreover, understanding the vital role of technology and automation in business was one of the primary reasons that I chose Electronics and Communication Engineering for my undergraduate studies. Studying engineering has not only taught me the practical skills required but also the analytical and quantitative skills necessary to understand the basics of financial problem-solving and financial modeling, preparing me for the MSc Finance degree.

Thank you for the review, can you please let me know how do I go about the transition to the next paragraph as I have no prior education in Finance, and regarding the outline of the essay, what order would you recommend?

(Will writing CFO in the first paragraph be a very bold statement to make as in the subsequent paragraphs I inform that my short term goal is to start of as a financial analyst?)

Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
Asifa Noor(Will writing CFO in the first paragraph be a very bold statement

Isn't it a good idea to have a dream goal - the culmination of a career? Of course, a career is a ladder. Very few people start at the top!

... Here is the latter part of the opening paragraph:

Striving to gain more knowledge of the subject, I attended the online certification course “Finance Essentials” offered by Imperial College London which taught the calculation of present value and internal rate of return, as well as the subjects of capital budgeting, equity, bonds, and the capital asset pricing models. However, I realize this was only an introduction. To achieve my ultimate goal of being a Chief Financial Officer of a major corporation, I need a postgraduate degree. That led me to apply to the MSc program in Finance at University ABC.

Here is a good transition to the next subject:

I feel very well prepared for your program because of my undergraduate degree in Electronics and Communication Engineering, my leadership experience gained in volunteering, and my two-year work experience.

(Then you can describe these points further in the rest of this paragraph and the next two.. e.g. I chose an Engineering program because information technology and communication is essential to all forward-looking international businesses in an extremely competitive global marketplace. Having an understanding of technology and the critical thinking skills that courses in engineering develop is a great asset to a financial officer. ...

Thank you for the amazing feedback. Do let me know if these paragraphs have a lot of content that needs to be removed.

After my under graduation, I chose to join XYZ to get a first-hand experience of working in a corporate environment and to understand the workings of a large global company. Joining ABC as an enterprise storage engineer in the global deployment team, I interacted with customers from around the world on a daily basis. Having worked in teams to meet targets has taught me to be resilient and work efficiently even under pressure. The international exposure and skills gained during my tenure at XYZ have prepared me for the intensive Msc Finance program.

I am looking forward to this unique MSc Finance program brought together by the Economics and Management School of ABC, as it will provide me with the necessary financial knowledge to make the transition from the STEM industry to finance.(The university started the finance programm just 3yrs ago and its brought together by Economics and Management dept, so do I put the above statements or remove it?) The combination of core courses “Corporate Finance” and “Financial econometrics” with career-centric electives “Corporate Finance Practices” and “Big Data Analytics” will allow me to gain a deeper insight into these advanced concepts. The emphasis on the quantitative methods and programming was a very attractive part of the program, as it would allow me to further develop my technical abilities gained during my undergraduate study and apply it effectively within a financial context.

By studying Finance, I hope to get an in-depth understanding of varied facets of the financial sector and take the learnings back to my home country and start my professional career in the field of corporate finance as a financial analyst at a multinational company. Also, with Bengaluru being ranked as the world’s fastest growing tech hub and a favourable destination for global investors, there is tremendous growth potential for core finance professionals. Therefore, I want to grab this opportunity to establish myself as a leading professional in this field. Moreover, I believe living in a financial hub like London and studying in a multi-cultural environment will open doors to build a global network and exchange ideas in order to accomplish my goals. I plan to join the student-led “Women in Finance club” and the “Economics and Finance Society”, which will give me an opportunity to interact with industry experts, network and build on opportunities. I am confident that with my varied experiences along with my leadership and interpersonal skills, I will make a meaningful contribution to the student community at ABC.

The key objectives of the Finance MSc program at ABC, align with my academic, professional and future interests. Therefore, I hope the admission committee recognizes my potential and enthusiasm to excel by giving me this opportunity to study Finance at this world-class institution.

Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies

The text still lacks flow and transitions. It is not integrated. It reads like a set of disjointed thoughts which don't hang together.

Make an outline of your entire letter. Organize it like a book with chapters that build upon each other.

Asifa NoorAfter my under graduation

I have never heard that phrase.

Asifa Noora first-hand experience
Asifa Noorunique MSc Finance program brought together by the Economics and Management School of ABC,

They know their own organization.

Asifa Noorthe necessary financial knowledge to make the transition from the STEM industry to finance.

Is that necessary? You already have a financial background, don't you?

Asifa NoorThe emphasis on the quantitative methods and programming was a very attractive part

Has it changed? What is the present emphasis?

Asifa Nooran in-depth understanding of varied facets of the financial sector

Isn't it just understood that it will give you an education in finance?

Asifa NoorMoreover, I believe living in a financial hub like London and studying in a multi-cultural environment

You were just talking about Bengaluru. Now, suddenly, you switch to London. This is an example of the poor organization.

Asifa NoorI plan to join the student-led “Women in Finance club” and the “Economics and Finance Society”,

Are these clubs in London or Bengaluru? The reader has to guess.


Read some writing and composition websites that show you how to write a paragraph. Here is one.

https://www.scribbr.com/research-paper/paragraph-structure/



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