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Hi everyone, I wrote a small paragraph about that topic, can you take a look and give me some comments?

In the modern world, money management is a necessary skill that everyone should have, but most students leaving high school without the ability to manage money. There are several ways to solve this problem.

Firstly, about school and teachers, the educational part just focuses on those subjects as mathematics, literature or languages. They should have some extracurricular activities such as organizing mini-fair, giving students the opportunity to experience how to do business and how to keep the money. Teachers also can encourage students to go camping, since they can learn how to spend money in a reasonable way so they can have enough living costs for several days. Secondly, about the parental side, parents usually think that children are not enough mature so they do not let them keep the money. In order to improve money management skills, the parent should guide their kids on how to spend their pocket money in the right places.

In conclusion, solving young student's inability to manage finance is really necessary so both the education part and the parental part should take action as soon as possible.

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Please do not put the essay instructions in the "Subject" line.
Put it with your answer in the message body.

Subject: Please review my paragraph

Message body:
Topic:


"Students leave high school without the way how to manage their money. What are the solutions?"

Copy the instructions accurately and completely here. That is not good English.


My answer:

(Your text here...)
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In the modern world, (You do not need this with your present tense main verb.) Money management is a necessary skill that everyone should have, but most students leaving (wrong verb form) high school without the ability to manage money. There are several ways to solve this problem.

Firstly, First, about school and teachers, the educational part just focuses on core those subjects as mathematics, literature or languages. They should have some extracurricular activities such as organizing mini-fair, (I don't know what this is.) a bazaar giving students the opportunity to experience how to do business and handle how to keep the money. Teachers also can encourage students to go camping, since they can learn how to spend money on things they need for the trip. in a reasonable way so they can have enough living costs for several days. Secondly, Second, about the parental side, parents usually think that children are not enough mature enough so they do not let them have any keep the money. In order to improve money management skills, the parent should guide their kids on how to spend use their pocket money wisely. They can spend some of it, save some of it, and give some of it away. in the right places.

In conclusion, solving young a student's inability to manage finance is really necessary so both the education part and the parental part school teachers and parents (Parts cannot take action.) should take action as soon as possible. (Was that in the topic? Or was the topic only to write about solutions?)


A school bazaar is a fun activity where kids can sell their handicrafts, cookies and other small items.