The four pie charts illustrate the proportion of employees in different categories in town A and town B in the 50 year period, starting from 1960.

Overall, the percentage of sales employees in town B was largest in a period given. However, the figures for manufacturing employees in two towns increased significantly throughout the period shown.

The proportion of manufacturing employees in town A accounted for 29% in 1960 then increased sharply to 64% in 2010. The equivalent figures for town B were lower, at 8% and 24% respectively. However, there were rapid decreases in the percentages of sales employees in town A and town B to 20% and 54% respectively.

The percentage of employees in services in 1960 in town A was 30%. The figure in 2010 fell slowly by 14%. The proportion of people working in services in town B experienced an opposite trend. There was a slight increase in services to 22% in 2010.

The four pie charts illustrate the proportion of employees in different categories in town A and town B in the 50 year period, starting from 1960.


Comments.

1. Illustrate is not a good word choice.

2. It is not clear to the reader what is on each of the pie charts.

3. "50-year period" is a very poor description. "Period" means every year. You write it starts in 1960. So there must be data from these fifty years: 1960, 1961, 1962, 1963 ... 2008, 2009, 2010. It is good for a line graph which plots data over a time span. But there is not a pie chart for each year, is there?

4. "Employees in different categories" is unclear. The categories of employees could be managers, IT department staff, order fulfillment staff, call center staff, and assembly line workers. You did not tell the reader the number of categories. You did not tell the reader what these categories are. Also "category" is not the right word for this subject.

This paragraph gets a very low score because the reader cannot visualize the figure. Compare with this opening paragraph.

The four pie charts, two for Town A and two for Town B, give the percentage of the townspeople working in each of three different job types, manufacturing, sales and services. For each town, there is information for two points in time, 1960 and 2010.


From this, the reader knows that the figure has four pie charts, and these are: 1) Town A in 1960, 2) Town A in 2010, 3) Town B in 1960 and 4) Town B in 2010.

The reader knows that there are three segments on each chart representing the percentage of residents of the town (townspeople) employed in manufacturing, sales and services.


Overall, the percentage of people in sales jobs employees in town B was largest in both years. in a period given. However, the figures for manufacturing employees in two towns both towns increased significantly throughout the period shown. ("Throughout the period" means that you have information from all the years between 1960 and 2010. You do not have any, only the first and last year. )


Better:

In Town B, the majority of the people were working in sales in both years. In Town A in 1960, the people were fairly evenly divided among the job types, but that changed to a majority employed in manufacturing in 2010. The proportion of manufacturing jobs increased in both towns.


Employee means a person working for a certain company. These people were working in many different companies, so "employee" is not the best word. A person in a sales job could be working in a fast food place, a supermarket, or a dress shop.


The proportion of those employed in manufacturing jobs employees in town A accounted for 29% in 1960 then but it had more than doubled increased sharply (The adverbs sharply / rapidly /slowly are used for line graphs. You only have two data points 50 years apart! Things that happen rapidly or slowly are for relatively short time periods. ) to 64% in 2010. The equivalent figures percentages for town B were lower, but they also showed a significant increase of a factor of three, at 8% and 24% respectively. However, there were rapid large decreases in the percentages of those working in sales employees in both towns. In town A, it was cut in half from 41 to 20% and in town B there was a drop of more than a third, from 72 to 54%. to 20% and 54% respectively.

The percentage of employees people in services jobs in 1960 in town A was 30%. The figure (wrong word) in 2010 fell slowly by more than 50% to 14%. The proportion of people working in services in town B experienced (wrong word) an opposite trend. (wrong word) There was a slight increase in services (wrong phrase) to 22% in 2010.

The proportion of people in services jobs in Town B showed the least amount of change compared to manufacturing and sales; it was 20% in 1960 and 22% in 2010.

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That's so helpful. Thank you so much.

But I just want to ask:

Can I write " It more than doubled to 64%"? instead of "it had more than doubled to 64%"

and why "the figure" is a wrong word? so I can't use it to paraphrase "the percentage"?

Can I say: The proportion of people employed in manufacturing jobs in town B was 8% in 1960, then it increased three-fold in 2010" ?

nhung 312Can I write " It more than doubled to 64%"? instead of "it had more than doubled to 64%"

Yes.

nhung 312and why "the figure" is a wrong word? so I can't use it to paraphrase "the percentage"?

No. Figure does not mean percentage.
Read my advice for vocabulary in Task 1.

This describes four words that are frequently used incorrectly in Task 1:

  • Fluctuate
  • Figure
  • Rate
  • Peak

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post


Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
nhung 312The proportion of people employed in manufacturing jobs in town B was 8% in 1960, then it increased three-fold in 2010"

No. For three reasons.

1. You have a comma splice error. https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma-splice/#: :text=When%20you%20join%20two%20independent,actually%20bears%2C%20they%20are%20marsupials.

https://www.chompchomp.com/terms/commasplice.htm


2. "Then" means immediately following.
We had lunch and then went back to work.
Mother cleaned house all morning and then took a well-deserved nap before the kids came home from school for lunch.
The prime minister was impeached on charges of corruption and then removed from office by the legislature.

2. Threefold is one word, and usually an adjective.

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/threefold

The proportion of people employed in manufacturing jobs in town B was 8% in 1960 and (no comma splice) there was a threefold increase to 24% in 2010.

PERFECT!!

I got it ! Thank you so much.