First of all, thank you so much for correcting my IELTS writing. And please check my essay and give me some pieces of advice.

THE TOPIC:

When designing a building, the most important factor is the intended use of the building rather than its outward appearance. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

MY ESSAY:

While some people put forward the view that the aesthetic qualities of a house are not as important as its intended use, I think that the two factors have an equally vital role in a house. Therefore, I totally disagree with the first opinion.

On the one hand, the use function of a house should be the primary consideration at the design stage. The reason for this is that the dwelling constructed follow the purpose of users can bring many benefits for their health and experiences in the house. For instance, designing the office where a number of employees work at should focus on a wide variety of factors which can meet the worker’s requirements such as making the suitable light, clear campus and large space. As a result, these officers would feel comfortable during working time, which in turn could better effective productivity.

On the other hand, the design of building to serve a specific function, however, does not mean that their aesthetic qualities should be ignored. The motive which can be put forward to explain the argument is that a wonderful appearance of a house can bring a huge amount of profit for owners, especially those working in the tourism industry. Take museums for example. If buildings have a stunning look and are sophisticatedly decorated, more and more tourists can be attracted by the goods on display. Thus, owners of the museums could gain more admission fee through the increasing number of visitors.

In conclusion, building houses following the use of purpose or outside appearance seem to have various disadvantages. Nevertheless, designers need to pay attention to the two aspects.

Hien Nguyen 571the two factors

both factors

Hien Nguyen 571 a house

Not all buildings are houses. This is a case where paraphrasing the terminology of the question will downgrade your score. 'Building' would include a railway station, airport, factory, hangar, sawmill, block of apartments, and so forth. Restricting your opinion to houses means that the question is not being answered properly.

Hien Nguyen 571I totally disagree

'Total' disagreement would be the exact opposite of the question; that is, intended use as more important than aesthetics.

Hien Nguyen 571that the dwelling constructed follow the purpose of users

that designing the dwelling first and foremost to meet the intended use

Hien Nguyen 571 clear campus

https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/campus

clear workspace ? clear aisles? In factories, for example, inadequate space can lead to compromised safety where aisles between machinery are obstructed with pallets and debris.

Hien Nguyen 571 officers

https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/officer

office-workers ?

Hien Nguyen 571 The motive which can be put forward to explain the argument

The reason for this is ... ? Keep it clear and simple where possible.

Hien Nguyen 571 goods

https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/goods

artefacts ? items ?

https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/artefact

Hien Nguyen 571gain more admission fee through the increasing number of visitors.

increase their income from admission fees through growing visitor numbers.

The final paragraph does not clearly state your position. Something more like:

In conclusion, architects, designers, owners, and town-planners should in my view pay equal attention to both functionality, and aesthetics.

By the way, the question ignores the third factor: environmental impact, in terms of insulation, materials, parking, access for disabled, and other matters.