Hi, this is my essay for IELTS Writing Task 1. I would be grateful if I could get some feedback from teachers here. I also hope to know about the band of this task 1 writing. Thank you very much for reading my essay.
Task 1: The chart below gives information on the global sale of hybrid vehicles between 2006 and 2009 Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparison where relevant.
This is link of chart: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VvfYvCl3u6Ir_L4yzhctjeYkyzVigWUI/view?usp=sharing
The bar chart shows the consumption of fuel-using and electric vehicles in the two countries and other in the period of 2006 and 2009. Overall, global hybrid sales tend to grow dramatically in this period that Japan and other countries have apparent increase while this vehicle's sales in the US fluctuate negligibly.
Between 2006 and 2008, the USA was the place where there were the biggest sales of hybrid vehicles rather than Japan and others. In 2006, Japan and other countries had a nearly similar number of sales, about more than 50,000 sales, while the US sales had more than 5 times. In 2007, the sales in the US was up to 350,000 sales while other countries and Japan were approximately 80,000 and 70,000 respectively. However, in 2008, the number of US sales decreased by about 40,000 sales when the two others were a small increase.
In the year of 2009, Japan was the biggest hybrid vehicle sales’ country with about 380,000 sales. In the US, the sales dropped off by 10,000 compared to the year before and the rest of the world had a modest growth. In addition, the total sales worldwide in 2009 increased two times more than that in 2006.
Please attach an image of what you are writing about. Do not use a link, as we are reluctant to click on an embedded link. Also, that image is very small and difficult to read. Use a larger image.
Please put the essay instructions with your answer in the message body.
Subject: Please review my IELTS essay
Message body:
Topic: Put the essay instructions here. Attach the image (from a file) here.
(see this other student's post: https://www.englishforums.com/English/PleaseCheckWritingTask-Much/bxrvpw/post.htm )
My essay:
(Your text here...)
---------------------
Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:
IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice
Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post
Thanks for your advice and instructions. I will post a new one following these instuctions.
Hi, this is my essay for IELTS Writing Task 1. I would be grateful if I could get some feedback from teachers here. I also hope to know about the band of this task 1 writing. Thank you very much for reading my essay.
TOPIC: The chart below gives information on the global sale of hybrid vehicles between 2006 and 2009
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparison where relevant.
My essay:
The bar chart shows the consumption of fuel-using and electric vehicles in the two countries and other in the period of 2006 and 2009. Overall, global hybrid sales tend to grow dramatically in this period that Japan and other countries have apparent increase while this vehicle's sales in the US fluctuate negligibly.
Between 2006 and 2008, the USA was the place where there were the biggest sales of hybrid vehicles rather than Japan and others. In 2006, Japan and other countries had a nearly similar number of sales, about more than 50,000 sales, while the US sales had more than 5 times. In 2007, the sales in the US was up to 350,000 sales while other countries and Japan were approximately 80,000 and 70,000 respectively. However, in 2008, the number of US sales decreased by about 40,000 sales when the two others were a small increase.
In the year of 2009, Japan was the biggest hybrid vehicle sales’ country with about 380,000 sales. In the US, the sales dropped off by 10,000 compared to the year before and the rest of the world had a modest growth. In addition, the total sales worldwide in 2009 increased two times more than that in 2006.
The bar chart shows the consumption (wrong word. We do not eat or drink hybrid vehicles..) of fuel-using and electric (wrong phrase. This means vehicles that are powered by petrol and those that are battery-powered.) vehicles in the two countries and other (Other what?) in the period of (wrong usage. There are four separate years.) 2006 and 2009. (You have changed the paragraph topic. Start a new paragraph for your "main features" Read my advice.)
Here is a suggested opening paragraph:
The bar chart compares the numbers of hybrid vehicles sold in Japan, the USA and all other countries combined (category "other") for each year between 2006 and 2009.
Overall, global hybrid sales tend (wrong word. Describe the actual information. Do not use weak indefinite words like "tend to") to grow dramatically in this period that Japan and other countries (Very poor coherence and cohesion. You never mentioned 'Japan" before. Wat are the "other countries"?) have apparent (wrong word. - You have to assume that the data is accurate and correct. There is not "fake news" in Task 1.) increase while this vehicle's (one particular vehicle? That makes no sense. They sold many vehicles.) sales in the US fluctuate (wrong word. Read my advice for the verb "fluctuate'. ) negligibly. (wrong word. A 40% variation is not "negligible." Negligible means that you can barely see a difference..)
Between 2006 and 2008, the USA had was the place where (It is grammatical English, but not good for Task 1. Task 1 is for Maths and science professors. Use clear, straightforward sentences.) there were the biggest highest sales of hybrid vehicles rather than (wrong usage) compared to Japan and the rest of the world. others. In 2006, Japan and other countries had a nearly similar number of sales, about (wrong word.) slightly more than 50,000 sales, while the US sales had more than 5 times that number.. In 2007, the sales in the US were was up to 350,000 sales while in other countries and Japan, they were approximately 80,000 and 70,000 respectively. However, in 2008, the number of US sales decreased by about 40,000 sales but when the two others had were a small increase.
In the year of (unnatural) 2009, Japan had was the biggest hybrid vehicle sales’ country with about 380,000 sales surpassing the US and the other countries.. In the US, the sales dropped off by 10,000 compared to the year before and the rest of the world had a modest growth. In addition, the total sales worldwide in 2009 increased two times more than that in 2006.
You just copied the numbers from the chart to your essay. You wrote too much detail. The Task 1 is to do a summary, not just write every single number.
If you want a band score of 7 or more, you have to do some analysis. If you would like a sample essay, you may ask for one.
"Big" is a juvenile, baby word. It is not appropriate for university-level essays.
Thanks for your feedback.