I am preparing for TOEFL. My writing skill is so poor.
I am not sure all the sentences are right, if you find something wrong in the grammar, help me correct them. thank you very much

THIS IS A COMPOSITION SUBJECT
Which would you choose: a high-paying with long hours that would give you little time with family and friends or a lower-paying job with shorter hours that would give you more time with family and friend?

Nothing is more valuable than kinship and friendship. A successful tycoon can make a lot of money, but he or she can’t have use of money to buy the love from family and friends. For me, I prefer to choose a lower-paying job with shorter hours that would give me more time with family and friends.

All high-paying job with long hours give people too much relentless pressure, causing harm to their mind and body. People who pursue high-paying jobs always care about what their jobs offer, such as salary, bonus, social status and sense of achievement. They have to put up with the pressure of overtime and sacrifice too much of sleep and rest for sake of making much money. For me, money can purchase a lot of things, and make my live more better; however, money can’t buy a good health. After all, anything can bring me happiness without a good health.

A lower-paying job with shorter hours would give me more time to accompany my friends and family. It does not matter what job I do. Although I do a lower-paying job provides me for less money, it still bring me the sense of achievement. Moreover, as a result of its shorter hours, a lower-paying job allows me to spend much of my time on communicating my thinking to my family and friends and sharing their sorrow and happiness. Only through their support and encouragement, can I know who I am and what I should do.

In short, even though a lower-paying job can’t provide me for enough budget to satisfy my material need, I think it can give me more time to family and friends; what is better, it doesn’t sacrifice my health and prevent me from developing the close relationships with my family and friends.

Thank for your answer
Your writing is not poor, though it does need some work:

THIS IS A COMPOSITION SUBJECT
Which would you choose: a high-paying job with long hours that would give you little time with family and friends, or a lower-paying job with shorter hours that would give you more time with family and friends?

Nothing is more valuable than kinship and friendship. A successful tycoon can make a lot of money, but he or she can’t use the money to buy the love of family and friends. I would prefer to choose a lower-paying job with shorter hours: that would give me more time with family and friends. Note: the colon is used to throw meaning forward.

Note: avoid generalisations ("all" and "always" removed.)
High-paying jobs with long hours often put too much pressure on people, harming their mind and body. People who pursue high-paying jobs care about what their jobs offer, such as salary, bonus, social status and sense of achievement. They have to put up with the pressure of overtime, and sacrifice much sleep and rest for the sake of making much money. Money allows me to purchase a lot of things, and can make my life much better; however, money can’t buy good health. After all, anything can bring me happiness without good health. Note: I'm not sure what you're trying to say with this last sentence.

A lower-paying job with shorter hours would give me more time to accompany my friends and family. It does not matter what job I do. Although a lower-paying job provides me with less money, it still gives me a sense of achievement. Moreover, as a result of its shorter hours, a lower-paying job allows me to spend much of my time communicating my thoughts to my family and friends, and sharing their sorrow and happiness. Only through their support and encouragement can I know who I am and what I should do.

In short, even though a lower-paying job can’t provide me with a large enough budget to satisfy my materialistic wants, I think it can give me more time to spend with family and friends, which is better: it doesn’t sacrifice my health and prevent me from developing the close relationships with my family and friends.

Your most frequent mistake is using "for" when "with" should be used.
Just a quick note: Thank should be "Thanks" (informal) or "Thank you" (informal and formal) and artical (your title) is properly spelled article.

Good luck!
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