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Hi

Do you find the following lines natural, especially the yellow parts? Any suggestions are welcome.

The room stank foully of rotten meat. The two wooden chairs and the broken table, the rusty iron cot and a few hand tools on the ground were all in complete disarray. There was no light in here except for the flickering flame of a thin candle which would soon merge into the darkness.

Ason lay motionless on the iron cot. To all intents and purposes, he was dead.

Thanks,

Tom
Comments  
It looks pretty good to me. I would just offer the correction below, having "in here" in that sentence is surprisingly jarring to my ear.

There was no light in here except for the flickering flame...
Mr. Tom
Hi

Do you find the following lines natural, especially the yellow parts? Any suggestions are welcome.

The room stank foully of rotten meat. The two wooden chairs and the broken table, the rusty iron cot and a few hand tools on the ground were all in complete disarray. There was no light in here except for the flickering flame of a thin candle which would soon merge into the darkness.



Ason lay motionless on the iron cot. To all intents and purposes, he was dead.

Thanks,

Tom

It's fine, but I would remove 'complete' before disarray, as it is somewhat superfluous. A story is more exciting if you use action words over stative verbs. So I would perhaps change the sentence with the expletive 'there was no light...' to something else.

The only light came from the flickering flame... or Light came only from the flickering flame... etc