Please have a look at the following TOEFL essays which I've written. I would appreciate it if you could provide comments and suggestions to help me improve my essay writing skills.


(Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Advertising can tell you a lot about a country. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.)


We live in a world of advertising, which is how a company encourages people to buy their products, services or ideas. Ads appear on television, as well as radio, newspapers, magazines and as billboards in streets and cities. So, we open up the pages of our favorite magazine, and there are glossy ads for clothes, shoes, cars, or beer. We turn on the television, and smiling faces on television try to sell us soup, toothpaste, candy, and politicians. As far as I am concerned, indeed, an advertisement can showcase us not only the cultural features but also the comprehensive national power of a country. There are three reasons underpinning my aspect.


To begin with, advertisements can reflect the culture level and local customs and practices of a country. I had an experience visiting Japan. When I stayed in a hotel, I turned on the television to amuse myself. Its style of show and program is very different from that of my country. In the TV commercial, a Japanese lady dressing in the kimono, a Japanese traditional garment which was never seen in my country, promoted a kind of vintage. This advertisement apparently manifested the spirit of Japanese culture and demonstrated its traditional dress. Today, Kimono, most often worn by women, especially professional sumo wrestlers, always used in important festival or formal moments, is the representative of polite and a very formal clothing. Therefore, the viewing of anyone dressing kimono gives us an association of Japanese cultural features and customs.


Another reason is that we can know the scientific and technological level of a country from the advertisement. It is vital to compare advanced countries’ technology and to improve our technical level of products. For example, Apple Company, a famous American multinational technology company, that designs, develops, and sells consumer electronics, computer software, and online services. all over the world. In its advertisement, the company manifests some experiments to prove its iPhone is the best premium brand, enjoying a high level of brand loyalty. However, in my country, I find no companies that manufacture fancy cell phones to be a match for Apple’s iPhone. The only way that we can do is learning from their advanced technology to keep up to the business opponents and to narrow the gap between our country and the developed countries . Clearly, by advertisements we get to know how huge the deviation of science and technology is between our country and the developed countries.


Last but not least, advertising can tell the competitiveness of a country. Take Toyota for example, Toyota, Japan's biggest car company and the second largest in the world, have earned a reputation for building high-quality cars and has been a huge success in the global marketplace. Toyota has been able to transcend western cultural and institutional barriers and superimpose Asian models of supply chain management and co-operation elsewhere. In contrast, many other Asian automobile manufacturers have been unable to overcome Toyota's advantages in human resource management, supplier networks and distribution systems in the highly competitive US market. Therefore, a Toyota advertising tells us a lot about the comprehensive national power of Japan.


After judging all the above mentioned logics and arguments, we can easily understand that from advertisement we can learn a great deal of information about a country.

We live in a world of advertising. which Commercial advertising is how a company business encourages people to buy their its products, services or ideas. Ads appear on television, as well as radio, newspapers, magazines and as on billboards in streets and prominent urban locations. cities. So, We open up the pages of our favorite magazine, and there are glossy ads for clothes, shoes, cars, or beer. We turn on the television, and see smiling faces on television try to sell telling us to buy soup, toothpaste, candy, and or promoting some politician's message. However, it is important to also realize that advertising can deliver important information about a country, its culture and level of development. As far as I am concerned, indeed, an advertisement can show case us not only the cultural features but also the comprehensive national power of a country. There are three reasons underpinning my aspect.

To begin with, advertisements can reflect the culture level values and local customs and practices of a country. I had an experience visiting Japan. When I stayed in a hotel, I turned on the television to amuse myself. Its and saw a style of show and program is very different from that of my country. In the TV commercial with a Japanese lady dressed ing in the a kimono , a Japanese traditional garment which was which I would never seen in my country, promoted a advertising some kind of wine. vintage. That is advertisement apparently manifested the spirit of used Japanese culture and demonstrated its traditional dress to promote a product. Today, The kimono , most often is not only worn by women in Japan but also by men including especially professional sumo wrestlers , always and often used in important festivals or formal occasions. moments, It is the representative of polite and very formal clothing. Therefore, the viewing of seeing anyone dressed ing in a kimono gives us leads to an association of with Japanese cultural features values and customs.

Another reason is that we can know thing that advertising can tell us is the level of scientific and technological development level of a country. from the advertisement. It is vital to compare advanced countries’ technology and to improve our technical level of products. For example, Apple Company, a famous American multinational technology company, that designs, develops, and sells consumer electronics, computer software, and online services. all over the world. In its advertisement, the company manifests some experiments to prove its iPhone is the best premium brand, enjoying a high level of brand loyalty. However, in my country, I find no companies that manufacture fancy cell phones to be a match for Apple’s iPhone. The only way that we can do is learning from their advanced technology to keep up to the business opponents and to narrow the gap between our country and the developed countries . Clearly, by advertisements we get to know how huge the deviation of science and technology is between our country and the developed countries.

Last but not least, advertising can tell the competitiveness of a country. Take Toyota for example, Toyota, Japan's biggest car company and the second largest in the world, have earned a reputation for building high-quality cars and has been a huge success in the global marketplace. Toyota has been able to transcend western cultural and institutional barriers and superimpose Asian models of supply chain management and co-operation elsewhere. In contrast, many other Asian automobile manufacturers have been unable to overcome Toyota's advantages in human resource management, supplier networks and distribution systems in the highly competitive US market. Therefore, a Toyota advertising tells us a lot about the comprehensive national power of Japan.

After judging all the above mentioned logics and arguments, we can easily understand that from advertisement we can learn a great deal of information about a country.

That essay largely becomes off-topic (and difficult to follow) after the topic sentence of the second body paragraph; so I gave up! Emotion: sad
I rewrote the essay as follows. Please give me a correction. Is it off-topic of lack of coherence? Thanks!

We live in a world of advertising. Commercial advertising is how a business encourages people to buy its products, services or ideas. However, it is important to also realize that advertising can deliver important information about a country, its culture, economic gains, national branding, and industrial development.

To begin with, advertising is always a reflection of a country’s culture and customs. For example, Korean soap operas have swept the world over the past decades. K-drama’s creative narrations has incisively and vividly demonstrated the Korean grassroots culture such as cafes abounding on the streets, Pojangmacha (a covered food cart), yellow copper pots for cooking noodles. Through advertisement, we can have a general understanding of what people from other countries look like, what they wear during their daily life, what they eat, what kind of transportation they use, and what they do during their spare times. The Korean's daily life is truly depicted in the script.

For another thing, advertising can bring economic gains for a country. Besides regular commercials, Korean soap operas often highlight Korean products such as LG household appliances, Samsung's mobile phones and cameras, and Hyundai cars, etc. during the program. That product placement increases the visibility of Korea's high-tech products and increases the audience's favorability of those same products. In addition to economic gains for South Korean appliances, make-up, food and fashion items, those pretty faces are re-constructing South Korea’s national image. South Korea is imagined in accordance with those depictions in TV dramas, which is good national branding.

Last but not least, some advertisements can show the industrial development of a country. When taking Toyota as an example, people will realize that this company often innovates new kinds of cars which are more modern and efficient. However, this company recently has advertised a special car that can use hydro-electricity instead of petroleum to contribute to environmental protection. This advertisement has changed people’s minds and proved that Japanese industry has developed with a tendency to protect the environment.

After judging all the above mentioned logics and arguments, we can easily understand that from advertisement we can learn a great deal of information about a country.
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
We live in a world of advertising. Commercial advertising is how a business encourages people to buy its products, services or ideas. However, it is important to also realize that advertising can deliver important information about a country, its culture, economic gains, national branding, and industrial development.

To begin with, advertising is always a reflection of a country’s culture and customs. For example, Korean soap operas have swept the world over the past decades. K-drama’s creative narrations has incisively and vividly demonstrated the Korean grassroots culture such as cafes abounding on the streets, Pojangmacha (a covered food cart), yellow copper pots for cooking noodles.
The example sentences should go after the topic sentence and supporting sentences. Further, this is not a relevant example; your topic is advertising, not soap operas.

Through advertisement, we can have a general understanding of what people from other countries look like, what they wear during their daily life, what they eat, what kind of transportation they use, and what they do during their spare times. The Korean's daily life is truly depicted in the script.
Again, this does not relate to advertising.

For another thing, advertising can bring economic gains for a country.
This is off-topic. Economic benefit is outside the scope of the essay!

Besides regular commercials, Korean soap operas often highlight Korean products such as LG household appliances, Samsung's mobile phones and cameras, and Hyundai cars, etc. during the program. That product placement increases the visibility of Korea's high-tech products and increases the audience's favorability of those same products.

In addition to economic gains for South Korean appliances, make-up, food and fashion items, those pretty faces are re-constructing South Korea’s national image. South Korea is imagined in accordance with those depictions in TV dramas, which is good national branding.
This is doubly off-topic; it is outside the overall scope of the essay, and it is even outside the scope of the paragraph which is defined by the topic sentence.

Last but not least, some advertisements can show the industrial development of a country. When taking Toyota as an example, people will realize that this company often innovates new kinds of cars which are more modern and efficient. However, this company recently has advertised a special car that can use hydro-electricity instead of petroleum to contribute to environmental protection. This advertisement has changed people’s minds and proved that Japanese industry has developed with a tendency to protect the environment.

After judging all the above mentioned logics and arguments, we can easily understand that from advertisement we can learn a great deal of information about a country.
You need to summarize your main findings in the conclusion. You can start it with "In conclusion, ..."

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I've highlighted the problem areas in peach and commented in red.
Please have a look at the essay which I have rewritten. Thanks a lot. Is it off-topic? I'm afraid the last paragraph is not good enough to support the above paragraphs.

We live in a world of advertising. Commercial advertising is how a business encourages people to buy its products, services or ideas. However, it is important to also realize that advertising can deliver important information about a country, its culture and level of development.

To begin with, advertisements can reflect the culture values and local customs and practices of a country. I have ever seen a Japanese TV commercial with a Japanese lady dressed in kimono, advertising some kind of wine. That advertisement used Japanese culture and traditional dress to promote a product. The kimono is not only worn by women in Japan but also by men including professional sumo wreselers and often used in important festivals or formal occasions. It is representative of polite and very formal clothing. Therefore, seeing anyone dressed in a kimono leads to an association with Japanese cultural values and customs.

Another thing that advertising can tell us is the sub replacement fertility in certain developed countries. In a video released in September 2015, a Danish ad urging couples to “Do It For Mom” to encourage Danes to travel and get busy, enticing travelers on active holidays, and helping Denmark's stagnant birth rate while they are at it. The hilarious ad introduced a promotion meant to get older parents to contribute to their adult children’s sexy getaways, so that they can get a grandchild in return. This makes it clear that in some highly industrialized countries, like Japan, Northern European countries, are facing the crisis of demographic dilemma – aging population and low fertility. In contrast, developing countries in third world are encountering the defining challenge of growing population.

Last but not least, some advertisements can show the industrial development of a country. When taking Toyota as an example, people will realize that this company often innovates new kinds of cars which are more modern and efficient. However, this company recently has advertised a special car that can use hydro-electricity instead of petroleum to contribute to environmental protection. This advertisement has changed people’s minds and proved that Japanese industry has developed with a tendency to protect the environment.

In conclusion, advertisement is source of knowledge to person living there and also to people who are seeing it from other countries. Advertising provides about a country’s culture and customs such as recognizing their people’s behavior in certain circumstances, and their innovative technology.