Below is the very first draft of an essay. Please suggest how i can improve this and also add it up to 500 words with out bragging.

At this point in your career what do you consider your most significant professional accomplishments? How have these particular accomplishments affected the career choices you have made?

In 2004 while I was just out of school and working with XXX, my aunt told me that the small insurance agency she has is in dire straits. In next two weeks I was able to get her motivation back, hire some aggressive marketing associates and educate my aunt to learn more about insurance domain.

The business was set up by my uncle and three of his friends, none of whom had time to attend to it. And my aunt was a house wife for 8 years. So I trained her on insurance basics and told her about some websites through which she could collect a lot of information.

I helped her to hire some self motivated marketing associates who have good contacts in the area. I also trained the recruited people on the existing insurance products. In a week we were able to design and print some leaflets as an aid to our marketing team.

Organized the papers (policy document, nomination forms, claims form, etc) which were needed by the marketing team for procuring policies. Asked the marketing team to collect the data of all the potential customers they know, and start targeting them.I asked the technical guy, who was already working with my aunt for some time now, to build a basic software. I advised him on the basis of the software I developed in XXX. It really helped them to get organized fast and my aunt found the software very easy to understand.

In the mean time I had to search for a job for myself since I was not able to get my leave sanctioned from XXX, and had to resign. Every thing was set in 4 weeks time but I was to content to see that my aunt was now pleased and confident that she will continue with the new born company.

Any type of suggestion is most welcome. would also like to know if "dire straits" is commonly used nowadays by native english speakers? Thanks & Regards
I think that 'dire straits' is still in common usage.

Maybe I have misunderstood, but when you helped your Aunt, it seems as if it had a slightly negative affect on your own professional life, because you had to resign from your own job so that you could help her in her insurance business. Maybe you can write about how important your family is to you. You could write about family unity and loyalty; having to make a difficult choice between focussing on your own career, or taking a break from it to help your family; and making that choice and feeling positive about it in spite of being forced to resign from your job, because you are absolutely convinced in your own mind that it was the right thing to do at that time. Maybe you could end with a statement like "On the surface, it may have seemed a foolhardy thing to do. But seeing my Aunt now facing the future with confidence instead of despair, and being able to say 'I had a part to play in this' - I feel that is a privilege that no amount of money could ever buy."

Just some ideas.
Thx Widget....ya you are right on that!! it seems to be very negative...im modifying it and will post the changes.

Thx a tonnnnn....

Can anyone also help me to write down about my long term goals....whatever i can think about is the same old thing- enterprenure!! do something to help my country...how to give this common thing an uncommon version?!
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
Edited....

In 2004 while I was just out of school and working with XXX, my aunt told me that the small insurance agency she has is in dire straits. In next two weeks, I was able to get her motivation back, hire some aggressive marketing associates and educate my aunt to learn more about insurance domain.

The business was set up by my uncle and three of his friends, none of whom had time to attend to it. And my aunt was a house wife for 8 years, so she was in need of someone who could get her on the track. Since I had a strong insurance background, I was able to train her on insurance basics and also tell her about some websites through which she can get a lot of information on latest developments.

Then I helped her in hiring some self motivated marketing associates who have good contacts in the area. I also trained the recruited people on the existing insurance products. In a week we were able to design and print some leaflets as an aid to our marketing team. Organized the papers (policy document, nomination forms, claims form, etc) which could be of use, by the marketing team for procuring policies. Asked the marketing team to collect the data of all the potential customers they know, and start targeting them.

There was a technical guy already working with my aunt for some time now. I asked him to build a basic software and was able to help him because of the experience I had in developing a software in XXX. It really helped them to get organized fast and my aunt found the software very easy to understand.

In 4 weeks, every thing was set and it was time for me to get back to my job. Inspired by the experience in these 4 weeks, I decide to shift my own career to a hard core insurance marketing rather than marketing of a bunch of financial products. I decided to join YYY.

On the surface, it may have seemed a foolhardy thing to do, because I had to take a month long leave, but seeing my Aunt now facing the future with confidence instead of despair, made me feel content which no amount of money could ever buy.

Awaiting more suggestions.......Thanks