Please help me with the statement of interest and check out the grammer and the flow of ideas and the ideas itself.

This is what they want me to write:

The statement of interest is your opportunity to tell us about you and your interests. It should be a brief 1 page (or at the most, 2 pages) document that describes: 1. The research area(s) you wish to pursue in graduate school, 2. Your future academic and career plans, 3. and those aspects of your previous education, training and work experience that prepared you for graduate school and future career.

This is what I wrote:

Statement of interest

The field of specialization I have chosen is master's degree in Mechanical engineering. My particular interests are in Control Systems, Mechatronics System Design, Microcontroller and Automation. As an undergraduate student, I studied the principles of Automation in production systems and I applied mechanical, electronic, and computer-based systems during my project in Mechatronics System Design course to operate and control production. Please check my attached documents which highlight my skills in that specific field.

I also have strong research and analytical abilities. I am working in the R&D department, ACMP Company, on the development of optics, photonics, electronics and language labs. I am working in collaboration with professors and engineers in the development of photonics surveillance system. I have also worked within the Mechatronics in Medicine Laboratory (MIM Lab), Imperial College London. I have received continual recognition from my classmates and teachers for outstanding in-depth thinking and effective decision making and have often been asked to assume a leadership role in group projects. Surrounded by intelligent individuals from diverse backgrounds, I had developed an extraordinary love of academic pursuits.

Through a master's degree program I plan to further explore the issues I have pondered during my undergraduate years. Studying master's degree in Mechanical engineering provides the perfect training to achieve my technical knowledge ambitions. I believe that I will increase my practical knowledge of developing team work skills by interacting with my classmates.

I value the fact that at your university education does not stop at the classroom, but rather continues through internships and extracurricular activities. I feel that an engineering university for students should balance theory with real-world application, and The University of British Columbia's curriculum and opportunities for hands-on training through associations, internships, and field study provides such balance.

I am also drawn to The University of British Columbia because of the university's emphasis on teamwork and technology, reflected by such exciting courses and programs as Production Engineering, Manufacturing Automation, Computer-Integrated Manufacturing, Intelligent Control, Supervisory Control Systems and field application projects. The work that Professor Clarence de Silva is doing on the Industrial Automation is particularly interesting. Additionally, the school's profusion of student groups and its flexible engineering program will allow me to tailor my course of study directly to my career interests. It is precisely this flexibility upon which I plan to draw while at Canada and beyond, by taking advantage of and contributing to the school's strong international alumni network.

In the long term, I would like to be involved in work at the cutting edge of technology and hopefully contribute to the sustainable development of the industry worldwide. It is in industry that I believe I can make the greatest contribution, utilizing my theoretical background and creativity as a scientist.
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Can sombody help me with the statement of purpose written above please?

I really appreciate the hard work done by the members of this forum. Doing this work for free is a noble thing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I hope to hear from somebody soon.
Hi,

First, let me comment about your writing's overall organization. You have been asked to provide brief information about three 'topics', so I would expect your writing to consist of 3 paragraphs, in the same order. You have 6, and it's not obvious to me which of the 3 areas each of your paragraphs relates to. I suggest you review this. If you really want to write six instead of three, make it easier for me to understand how each one relates to the 3 topics.

Since you may possibly be reorganizing/rewriting, I have just looked in detail at the English in your first paragraph.

The field of specialization I have chosen is Mechanical Engineering. My particular interests are in control systems, mechatronics system design, microcontrollers and automation. As an undergraduate, I studied the principles of automation in production systems and I applied these principles to mechanical, electronic, and computer-based systems during my Mechatronics System Design course. My attached documents highlight my skills in that specific field.

Best wishes, Clive
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Thank u for ur help Clive. I really appreciate the work done by you.

I will try to let you understand how each one relates to the 3 topics.

and then please let me know the changes I should do to makea better statement of purpose as fast as possible.

I have arranged the paragraphs in this order as I thought the flow of ideas should start from my past and then tell them about what research areas I admire and finally I tell them about the future.

1. The research area(s) you wish to pursue in graduate school

This was explained in the first paragragh :

The field of specialization I have chosen is Mechanical Engineering. My particular interests are in control systems, mechatronics system design, microcontrollers and automation. As an undergraduate, I studied the principles of automation in production systems and I applied these principles to mechanical, electronic, and computer-based systems during my Mechatronics System Design course. My attached documents highlight my skills in that specific field.

It is also explained in the fifth paragraph

I am also drawn to The University of British Columbia because of the university's emphasis on teamwork and technology, reflected by such exciting courses and programs as Production Engineering, Manufacturing Automation, Computer-Integrated Manufacturing, Intelligent Control, Supervisory Control Systems and field application projects. The work that Professor Clarence de Silva is doing on the Industrial Automation is particularly interesting.

Paragraph 4 shows why I chose this university rather than others, I thought I should include it to show them why I am in interested particularly in this university

2. Your future academic and career plans

This was explained in the third paragraph

Through a master's degree program I plan to further explore the issues I have pondered during my undergraduate years. Studying master's degree in Mechanical engineering provides the perfect training to achieve my technical knowledge ambitions. I believe that I will increase my practical knowledge of developing team work skills by interacting with my classmates.

and in the sixth paragraph

In the long term, I would like to be involved in work at the cutting edge of technology and hopefully contribute to the sustainable development of the industry worldwide. It is in industry that I believe I can make the greatest contribution, utilizing my theoretical background and creativity as a scientist.

3. and those aspects of your previous education, training and work experience that prepared you for graduate school and future career.

This was explained in the second paragraph

I also have strong research and analytical abilities. I am working in the R&D department, ACMP Company, on the development of optics, photonics, electronics and language labs. I am working in collaboration with professors and engineers in the development of photonics surveillance system. I have also worked within the Mechatronics in Medicine Laboratory (MIM Lab), Imperial College London. I have received continual recognition from my classmates and teachers for outstanding in-depth thinking and effective decision making and have often been asked to assume a leadership role in group projects. Surrounded by intelligent individuals from diverse backgrounds, I had developed an extraordinary love of academic pursuits.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

I hope to hear from you soon.
Hi,

All that sounds complicated for the reader to try to figure out. You have to make it easier for the reader, or else they may not bother to read it all. They may just figure, "This person does not give simple answers to simple matters".

Look at it this way. I have applications from 50 people sitting on my desk. How much time am I going to spend on trying to figure out what your three answers are?

It's your decision on how you want to write it, of course.Emotion: smile

Best wishes again, Clive
Thank u for ur help Clive. I really appreciate the work done by you.

I know it is my decision on how to write it, but I need your help.

What should I do? What is your advice?

Do you want me to change the order of the paragraphs?, or delete a particular paragraph?

What r the changes needed to be done for the detail at the English of the whole statement

Please give me hint to make my application being figured out by the reader.Emotion: smile

Thank you for your time and consideration

I hope to hear from you soon
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Hi,

I've already given you my advice.Emotion: smile Now it's up to you to decide how you want to organize it. Just make up your mind and repost it. I'll check the English of whatever you post here.

Best wishes, Clive
Hi,

Thank you for your advice.

I tried to organize it, this is my new personal statement. I tried to write it in the same order, but I couldn't make it to three paragraphs, as the paragraphs themself become longer.

What do you think? Is this Better? Is it more organized? Should I remove a paragragh? or Combine two paragraghs? If everything is all right, Please check the English.

I have another question. Where should I put my name in the statement? Is it at start or at the end?



Statement of interest

The field of specialization I have chosen is Mechanical Engineering. My particular interests are in control systems, mechatronics system design, microcontrollers and automation. As an undergraduate, I studied the principles of automation in production systems and I applied these principles to mechanical, electronic, and computer-based systems during my Mechatronics System Design course. My attached documents highlight my skills in that specific field.

I am drawn to The University of British Columbia because of the university's emphasis on teamwork and technology, reflected by such exciting courses and programs as Production Engineering, Manufacturing Automation, Computer-Integrated Manufacturing, Intelligent Control, Supervisory Control Systems and field application projects. The work that Professor Clarence de Silva is doing on the Industrial Automation is particularly interesting.

I value the fact that at your university education does not stop at the classroom, but rather continues through internships and extracurricular activities. I feel that an engineering university for students should balance theory with real-world application, and The University of British Columbia's curriculum and opportunities for hands-on training through associations, internships, and field study provides such balance.

Through a master's degree program I plan to further explore the issues I have pondered during my undergraduate years. Studying master's degree in Mechanical engineering provides the perfect training to achieve my technical knowledge ambitions. I believe that I will increase my practical knowledge of developing team work skills by interacting with my classmates. Additionally, the school's profusion of student groups and its flexible engineering program will allow me to tailor my course of study directly to my career interests. It is precisely this flexibility upon which I plan to draw while at Canada and beyond, by taking advantage of and contributing to the school's strong international alumni network.

In the long term, I would like to be involved in work at the cutting edge of technology and hopefully contribute to the sustainable development of the industry worldwide. It is in industry that I believe I can make the greatest contribution, utilizing my theoretical background and creativity as a scientist.

I have strong research and analytical abilities. I am working in the R&D department, ACMP Company, on the development of optics, photonics, electronics and language labs. I am working in collaboration with professors and engineers in the development of photonics surveillance system. I have also worked within the Mechatronics in Medicine Laboratory (MIM Lab), Imperial College London. I have received continual recognition from my classmates and teachers for outstanding in-depth thinking and effective decision making and have often been asked to assume a leadership role in group projects. Surrounded by intelligent individuals from diverse backgrounds, I had developed an extraordinary love of academic pursuits.
Hi,

Thank you for your advice.

I tried to organize it, this is my new personal statement. I tried to write it in the same order, but I couldn't make it to three paragraphs, as the paragraphs themself become longer.

What do you think? Is this Better? Is it more organized? Should I remove a paragragh? or Combine two paragraghs? I think that, at this point, the organization is up to you. I'm just going to check your English. Please read carefully to pick up all my suggestions.

If everything is all right, Please check the English.

I have another question. Where should I put my name in the statement? Is it at start or at the end? Perhaps print it at the bottom, and perhaps sign it as well?



Statement of Interest



The field of specialization I have chosen is Mechanical Engineering. My particular interests are in control systems, mechatronics system design, microcontrollers and automation. As an undergraduate, I studied the principles of automation in production systems and I applied these principles to mechanical, electronic, and computer-based systems during my Mechatronics System Design course. My attached documents highlight my skills in that specific field.

I am drawn to The University of British Columbia because of the university's emphasis on teamwork and technology, reflected by such exciting courses and programs as Production Engineering, Manufacturing Automation, Computer-Integrated Manufacturing, Intelligent Control, Supervisory Control Systems and field application projects. The work that Professor Clarence de Silva is doing on Industrial Automation is particularly interesting.

I value the fact that, at your university education, does not stop at the classroom, but rather continues through internships and extracurricular activities. I feel that an engineering university <<< it's not just an engineering university for students should balance theory with real-world application, and The University of British Columbia's curriculum and opportunities for hands-on training through associations, internships, and field study provides such balance.

Through a master's degree program I plan to further explore the issues I have pondered during my undergraduate years. Studying for a master's degree in mechanical engineering will provide the perfect training for me to achieve my technical knowledge goals. I believe that I will increase my practical knowledge of team work skills by interacting with my classmates. Additionally, the school's profusion of student groups and its flexible engineering program will allow me to tailor my course of study directly to my career interests. It is precisely this flexibility upon which I plan to draw while in Canada and beyond, by taking advantage of and contributing to the school's strong international alumni network.

In the long term, I would like to be involved in work at the cutting edge of technology, and hopefully to contribute to the sustainable development of the industry worldwide. It is in industry that I believe I can make the greatest contribution, utilizing my theoretical background and creativity as a scientist.

I have strong research and analytical abilities. I am working in the R&D department, ACMP Company, on the development of optics, photonics, electronics and language labs. I am working in collaboration with professors and engineers in the development of a photonics surveillance system. I have also worked in the Mechatronics in Medicine Laboratory (MIM Lab), Imperial College, London. I have received continual recognition from my classmates and teachers for outstanding in-depth thinking and effective decision making and have often been asked to assume a leadership role in group projects. Surrounded by intelligent individuals from diverse backgrounds, I have developed an extraordinary love of academic pursuits.


Your English is good. I have only offered a few changes.

Good luck with this, Clive
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