Dear English- speaking,

Recently I wrote a little story in English. I am a Dutch girl, but I love to read English. It has more words to express itself and, ofcourse, it sounds better for a foreigner. ;-)

Anyway, I would love the story to be read by English persons, for they could tell me how English it really is.. It's quite difficult to use expressions in a right way, for example. And my grammar isn't really that great.

So, here is the story, I would love to hear your feedback!

About the man who felt love, but whose wife wanted more.

The man felt love. It felt quite alright. So he married his, at that time, wife. Then he created a kind of cosiness to keep this love alive. But that was, by far, not enough for his wife. She demanded to be adored, otherwise her love would go by the board. The man didn’t know what to do. He was loyal, yes, but a lubber too. So it felt like a blast and he had to decide fast if he wanted this love to last.

It went a terrible wrench when he didn’t gave it a chance, for his wife felt betrayed and wanted revenge. She gave in to this feeling to commit a sin and thus became a villain. She ripped out her husband’s heart and torn it into parts. After she slivered it, yes it is quite abhor, she fed their cat with the slips. She deftly draw the rest of the corpse till no organ was left. Then she hefted the body and dragged the remainings to the lake; which was the place where she made a dramatic mistake.

As she painstaking pushed her murdered burden into the paludal water, she thought she wouldn’t be bothered about te slaughter no more, for her revenge gave her rest in return. She felt relieved, ‘cause somehow she believed that life would be better as from now. It was this state of mind that made her terribly blind.

When she, sadistically laughing, watched the sinking thing disappear in the pool, she suddenly felt an enormous fear. She ceased all her movements when she saw a beast marching out of the marsh. It had felt her presence as she had been so harsh. Rapidly it approached its grim victim, who could only scream for her destiny which is not to envy. With its monstrous mouth the beast growled loud, before it bit the wife’s bowels out. It mangled the body and swallowed it greedy until nothing was left.

Satisfied, the beast returned into the lake, after it spit something out with an echoing shout, for he couldn’t digest the weak part. Thus all that remained, was the wife’s bloody cold heart.
Are you sure you wrote this? I am sure, I have read it some place before. Did you post it anywhere else? It is a short and good story though!
I can't imagine you read it before, for I only published it on my (not very often visited) website till so far. Maybe it reminds you to an Edgar Allan Poe story? He inspired my writing style. But I hope it doesn't appears too much as his signature, 'cause that means that it's a kind of cheap immitation.
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Maybe you are right... It is more like a amalgamation of Poe's short stories "The Murders in the Rue Morgue" and "The tell-tale heart".
It is clear that the writing has an internal rhyme. Perhaps you should first revise the format to emphasize the rhyme. Then perhaps it could be reviewed more appropriately, because there are grammatical and usage errors.
Do you mean that firstly the tale must be extended? That is what my brother said as well, especially the beginning goes too fast. Could you tell me in advance what the linguistic errors in the text are?
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These are just some of the more obvious rhymes:

adored/board

do/too

blast/fast/last

wrench/chance

sin/villain

lake/mistake

water/slaughter

relieved/believed

mind/blind

marsh/harsh

destiny/envy

growl/bowel

out/shout

part/heart

So, I'm reluctant to start correcting grammatical errors, and usage problems when they might interfere with your poetic rhymes and alliterations. Are these poetic sensations just accidental?

Anyway, here are a few revisions that are mostly grammatical in nature, and not considerate of other literary concerns:

The man felt love. It felt quite alright. So he married the woman and made her his wife. Then he created a kind of coziness to keep this love alive. But that was, by far, not enough for his wife. She demanded to be adored, otherwise she’d be bored. The man didn’t know what to do. He was loyal, yes, but a lubber too. So it felt like a blast [?] and he had to decide fast if he wanted this love to last.

It went a terrible wrench [?] when he didn’t give it a chance, for his wife felt betrayed and wanted revenge. She gave in to this feeling to commit a sin and thus became a villainess. She ripped out her husband’s heart and tore it into parts. After she slivered it, yes it is quite abhorrent; she fed their cat with the slips. She deftly drew the rest of the corpse till no organ was left. Then she hefted the body and dragged the remains to the lake, which was the place where she made a dramatic mistake.

As she painstakingly pushed her murdered burden into the paludal water, she thought she’d be bothered no more about the slaughter, for her revenge gave her restfulness in return. She felt relieved, because somehow she believed that life would be better from now on. It was this state of mind that made her terribly blind.

When she, sadistically laughing, watched the sinking thing disappear in the pool, she suddenly felt an enormous fear. She ceased all her movements when she saw a beast marching up out of the marsh. It had felt her presence as her manner had been so harsh. Rapidly it approached its grim victim, who could only scream for her destiny -which is not to envy. With its monstrous mouth the beast growled loud, before it bit out the wife’s bowels. It mangled the body and swallowed it greedily until nothing was left.

Satisfied, the beast returned into the lake, after it spit something out with an echoing shout, for he couldn’t digest the weak part. Thus all that remained was the wife’s cold and bloody heart

PrrraulineDear English- speaking,

Dear English-speakers,