Hi Everyone,

I need your valuable feedback for my TOEFL essay.

I appreciated your kindness and help.

Regards,

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

It is better to have broad knowledge of many academic subjects than to specialize in one specific subject.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Learning orientation has been an appealing nowdays. Many people harbor the view that it is better to have broad knowledge of many academic subjects than to specialize in one specific subject. Personally, I strongly approve this statement.

First of all, what I put in my priority is studying efficiency. It is common knowledge that by learning many academic subjects students stand golden chance to broaden their horizons in a wide variety of fields such as maths, geology or literature. They no longer simply rely on their teachers for specific knowlegde and learn by role. On the contrary, having broad knowledge is certain to encourage students to recognize connections between an area of specialized knowledge and other fields. An enoumous benefit of expanding background is that it takes the advantage of brain’s ability to make draw on knowledge from several different fields to understand a topic or research an issue, leading a deeper inderstanding, which in turn supports the transfer of learning in other situations. More importantly, students who have abroad knowledge are bound to use tools and ideas from many fields of study to understand human experiences, natural phenomena, and the relationships among them. It is possible for these students to not only explain important patterns in human behaviors, relationships, cultures, and institutions, and the intersections among them but also use scientific methods to investigate the natural world. As a result, the young regard to broad knowledge as a useful strength to recognize both the opportunities and the obligations created by domestic and global diversity, which sets the fisrt foundation for their future career. Beyond any doubt, learning many academic subjects turns out to be great source of support for the adolescents to acquire comprehensive knowledge.

In the second place, skills development is what cannot be left when considering the essence. It is apparent that involving in many fields urge students to co-operate with many people. Considering that these people possess different aspects such as major subject, social status or ethnicity, so students should find difficulty in coping with them. As they spend more time working with one another, they gradually get a hold of hand how to initiate a dialogue, sharing information and so on, in harmony. This, consequently, grants them the opportunity to augment their communication skill. More interestingly, students who take responsibility on many subjects are expected to encounter with a large number of troubles such as schedule, assignments or projects. To ensure their accomplishment leaves them no choice but to self-analyze and consider carefully. More case urges them to deliberate, the more their problem-solving skill are ameliorate. By and large, skill development is another reason for my agree with this statement.

On the other hand, some people might say that if student learn many academic subjects, they will suffer from heavy burden of study and lack of sleep. Therefore broad knowledge is thoght to make student be sick of all the stress that these student have to deal with. This view, however, is not necessarily true. In fact, getting abroad education provides students tight knit community of people in many faculties. It is advisable for students to exchange knowledge with their classmates, which play a critical role to achive win-win school performance. Furtheremore, these students seem to have many friends in many fields to chatting with, by which their stress is slowly release. In deed, havinga broad knowledge is a source of great enjoyment to children.

Studying effiency, skills development and personal enjoyment are convincing for my approval. It is highly recommended for students to take my writing into detailed consideration to adopt appropriate policy on learning orientation.

You need to review how to organize an essay.

Have a look here.

Then revise and repost your work.

Begin by improving your introduction. Also read about a thesis statement, and about a topic sentence at the start of each paragraph. And improve your conclusion.

OK?

dear teacher,

would you minding demonstrating more detail mistake on my writing

thank you very much

Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.

First, have you read and thought about the link I gave you?

yes, I have already read your link that you gave me. I am very afraid of making more mistakes not only making paragraph but also how to use words effectively. Can you demonstrate mistake on my essay?

Thank you very much.

You essay should have this structure:

Introduction - states your position

Paragraph 1 - first reason & supporting details

Paragraph 2 - second reason & supporting details

Paragraph 3 (optional, if you have a third reason)

Summary and conclusion

I have highlighted the mistakes in the first 3 paragraphs of your text and added some comments.



Learning orientation (I don't know what this means) has been an appealing (appealing what? Appealing is an adjective. You need a noun here.) nowdays. Many people harbor the view that it is better to have broad knowledge of many academic subjects than to specialize in one specific subject. Personally, I strongly approve (agree with) this statement.

First of all, what I put in my priority is studying efficiency. (unnatural) It is common knowledge that by learning many academic subjects students stand (missing word) golden (wrong word) chance to broaden their horizons in a wide variety of fields such as maths, geology or literature. They no longer simply rely on their teachers for specific knowlegde and learn by role. (wrong word) On the contrary, (this phrase introduces the opposite argument. You use this incorrectly.) having broad knowledge is certain to encourage students to recognize connections between an area of specialized knowledge and other fields. An enoumous benefit of expanding (missing word) background is that it takes the advantage of brain’s ability to make draw (2 verbs) on knowledge from several different fields to understand a topic or research an issue, leading a deeper inderstanding, which in turn supports the transfer of learning in other situations. More importantly, students who have abroad knowledge are bound to use tools and ideas from many fields of study to understand human experiences, natural phenomena, and the relationships among them. It is possible for these students to not only explain important patterns in human behaviors, relationships, cultures, and institutions, and the intersections among them but also use scientific methods to investigate the natural world. As a result, the young regard to (incorrect usage) broad knowledge as a useful strength to recognize both the opportunities and the obligations created by domestic and global diversity, which sets the fisrt foundation for their future career. Beyond any doubt, learning many academic subjects turns out to be great source of support for the adolescents to acquire comprehensive knowledge.

In the second place, skills development is what cannot be left when considering the essence. It is apparent that involving (wrong form) in many fields urge students to co-operate with many people. Considering that these people possess different aspects such as major subject, social status or ethnicity (people do not possess these things.), so students should find difficulty (should is not appropriate here. Should all students should have difficulty with their social status? What if they do not?) in coping with them. As they spend more time working with one another, they gradually get a hold of hand how to initiate a dialogue, sharing (violates parallel structure) information and so on, in harmony. This, consequently, grants them the opportunity to augment their communication skill. More interestingly, students who take responsibility on many subjects are expected to encounter with a large number of troubles such as schedule, assignments or projects. (This last sentence does not fit this paragraph: cooperating with others.) To ensure their accomplishment leaves them no choice but to self-analyze and consider carefully. More case urges them to deliberate, the more their problem-solving skill are ameliorate. By and large, skill development is another reason for my agree with this statement.


..yo
Site Hint: Check out our list of pronunciation videos.

dear teacher,

I thank you very much. There are no words to show my appreciation!

You have my gratitude!

Best regard,

Trang