Dear all,

I am a new user and I found here by chance when I tried to get some guidance of letter writing. I have read a lot of examples together with the comments, as well as the helpful posts of suggestions from MountainHiker. I would like to thank all the members for producing such a great forum. It helped me a lot.

I am now studying in Japan and is going to apply for a job in Switzerland. I have managed to follow the regular suggestions and have modified the letter many times by myself, but since this is my first time to write such a formal letter, I know there is a long way and it needs a lot of modification works. Would you please kindly take a look on my letter and tell me how to improve it?

I am afraid the story is too long, but how to make it looks clear and effective?

Thank you so much in advance.

miaojia

And, here comes the letter:

***
Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying for an entry-level position with your company in Geneva office. The preferred field of employment would be the container transport operation and business management.

I have a Bachelor’s degree in International Shipping Management and a Master’s degree in Transport Planning and Management both from *** Maritime University, China. Currently, I am a full-time PhD student of *** University, Japan. My research topics are container transport network analysis and competition strategies. The expected graduation time is October 2005.

After graduating from high school, I was enrolled by my favorite university: *** Maritime University, which is one of the best maritime universities in China. During the four years study, I acquired wide and solid knowledge of international shipping management, together with firm foundation of mathematics, economies, laws and statistics. In 1999, as a nominated student, I passed the Master’s Entrance Exams with top grades and started my further study in the same university and majored in Transportation Planning and Management. The three years study has widened my knowledge about transportation science, besides, I also involved myself in the practical sector works. From 2000 to 2002, I was the teaching assistance of my professor, my concentration and enthusiasm was highly appreciated by both the professor and the students. Due to my good performance, I was selected as one of the three student participants of a research team and took part in a project on human-resource evaluation supported by China *** Shipping Company, *** Branch. My duties included data collection and analysis, preparation of reports and presentations, the coordination work between the company side and our research team. It helped me to develop a strong analytical mind and interpersonal skills. Moreover, I learnt the value of teamwork during the two-month’s project and became more solution-oriented. Furthermore, I found my interest toward real business management was evoked and strongly enhanced.

In my last year at *** Maritime University, I was assigned the teaching assistant to a Japanese professor due to my excellent English skill and solid knowledge of shipping. He gave us lectures on container transport network analysis and my job was the two-way translation between Chinese and English. It not only enhanced my language skills but also evoked my interest of studying in different nations. After talking with the professor and expressing my desire to do PhD research in Japan, we found that our ideas were very well suited. Hence, he highly encouraged me to apply for the International Doctoral Course of *** University because it offered exactly the professional courses I was eagerly to learn about, such as: game theory and business application. In October 2002, directly after my graduation from Master’s course, I was selected, out of thousands of candidates all over the world, as one of the 550 selected Japanese government scholarship students. My focus lied on the business strategies and new trend of maritime industry, to be exact, the economic feasibility of mega-container ships as well as the business application of Game Theory.

The first year was, as expected, tough and challenging. I need to adapt to the new life and began the study as soon as possible. Besides, I did not speak Japanese, which simply made the situation more stimulating. I managed to apply my best effort to get through all these successfully even with very little guidance from my professor since he was not in Japan but teaching in World Maritime University until November 2003. I have had benefit from that period of time of how to start a total different life effectively and think more independently. After two and a half years living and studying here, I have been used to the circumstances already and get along very well with my colleagues.

The PhD research has been made considerable advancement during the past two and a half year and so far I have finished most of the work. Beside of daily studies, I actively participate in all kinds of volunteer works and local events also. Inside the campus, I am a lively member to help organize kinds of meetings and events. One specific example of these activities was in 2004, due to my excellent English skill and communication skill, I was assigned to lead a working team organizing the trip and presiding the welcome party when the student-delegation of World Maritime University came to visit my university. While the challenges were great, we are convinced that our team had tried our best and delivered to the guests an impressive party and very exciting trip. Outside of the campus, I also challenged several kinds of part-time jobs to enrich my experiences and get more chances to cooperate with different parties and matters. I benefited a lot from all these jobs and activities. It has helped me to know much more about this country and to discover how the different culture affects the ways in which people react and behave. This, I believe, would help me to respond effectively in an international business environment. Moreover, it strongly enhanced my confidence of living in a foreign country and gave me the full encouragement to chanllenge new targets.

With the solid knowledge and multinational cultural background, I desire to start my career in a global shipping company. I firmly believe that joining *** Company would be the right choice for me. First of all, my education background makes a perfect fit with the worldwide container transport business that your company is involved. Working with *** Company, I am going to be able to fully utilize my theoretical knowledge; besides, the company is able to benefit from my Asian culture background, too. Additionally, the fast growth of fleet scale and the incredible expanding of shipping routes network your company has completed in recent years impressed me very much. In the centuries-old shipping industry, ***, as a relative newcomer, has been able to fully utilize modern information technologies and chosen the optimal approach to make the entire system more efficient. I strongly believe that a company likes this is definitely going to make more significant achievement in the future and I look forward to working and growing with the potential team.

Personally speaking, *** is the best choice for me is also because of my deep interest in the European culture. Grown up in China and studied in Japan, I am deeply interested in Asian culture, but at the same time, I am also very curious to work in a different culture and in a different language as I am ambitious to learn more everyday.

A copy of my Curriculum Vitae is enclosed which will give you further informations of my studies and other activites. I hope that my qualifications would enable me to work for you since I am very confident that I could make an exciting contribution to your company.

Thank you very much for your kind consideration, I look forward to your positive reply.

Yours faithfully,
Liu Miaojia
***
Too long!

Don't repeat information that will be in your CV regarding your studies/qualifications/jobs and duties - they don't need to read it all twice.

Make the letter a way to sell yourself personally and the skills that will not come across in the CV.
Hi, nona the brit,

Thank you so much for your kind time. Your suggestion is very helpful, I have realized the problem, too. No one would feel like reading such a long letter.

You said in the reply that don’t repeat the same information in the CV, so first of all, shall I delete paragraph [1]? I put it there just wanted to give the reader an overall image, but all the information could be found in my CV. I didn’t mention the duty ( in paragraph [2]) and the example ( in paragraph [4]) in my CV, may I keep them?

I tried to shorten the letter, but it is still too long. I am not sure which part shall be modified. Would you look at it again? Please give me more suggestions. Thank you for your time.

miaojia

***

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying for an entry-level position with your company in Geneva office. The preferred field of employment would be the container transport operation and business management.

[1]-who am I
I have a Bachelor’s degree in International Shipping Management and a Master’s degree in Transport Planning and Management both from *** Maritime University, China. Currently, I am a full-time PhD student of *** University, Japan. My research topics are container transport network analysis and competition strategies. The expected graduation time is October 2005.

[2]-University and Master course’s study
After graduating from high school, I was enrolled by my favorite university: *** Maritime University, which is one of the best maritime universities in China. During the four years study, I acquired wide and solid knowledge of international shipping management, together with firm foundation of mathematics, economies, laws and statistics. In 1999, as a nominated student, I passed the Master’s Entrance Exams with top grades. The three years study has widened my knowledge about transportation science, besides, I also involved myself in the practical sector works. From 2000 to 2002, I was the teaching assistance of my professor, my concentration and enthusiasm was highly appreciated by both the professor and the students. I was also selected as one of the three student members to participate in a project on human-resource evaluation supported by China *** Shipping Company, *** Branch. My duties included data collection and analysis, preparation of reports and presentations, the coordination work between the company side and our research team. It helped me to develop a strong analytical mind and interpersonal skills. Moreover, I learnt the value of teamwork and became more solution-oriented. Furthermore, I found my interest toward real business management was evoked and strongly enhanced.

[3]-Why did I come to Japan
In my last year at *** Maritime University, I was assigned the teaching assistant to a Japanese professor due to my excellent English skill and solid knowledge of shipping. My job was the two-way translation between Chinese and English. It not only enhanced my language skills but also evoked my interest of studying in different nations. The professor highly encouraged me to apply for the doctoral course of *** University since it offered the exact courses that I was eagerly to learn about. Because of my strong advantages, I was selected, out of thousands of candidates all over the world, as one of the 550 selected Japanese government scholarship students.

[4]-The study and life in Japan
The first year was, as expected, tough and challenging. I need to adapt to the new life and began the study as soon as possible. Besides, I did not speak Japanese, which simply made the situation more stimulating. I managed to apply my best effort to get through all these difficulties. I benefit a lot from the first year; I learnt how to start a total different life effectively. Now, I have been used to the circumstances and enjoyed it very much. The PhD research is advancing smoothly and I get along very well with my colleagues. Beside of studies, I also participate in all kinds of volunteer works and local events. I am an active member in the campus and help to organize kinds of meetings and events. One specific example of these activities was in 2004, when the student-delegation of World Maritime University came to visit my university. Due to my excellent English skill and communication skill, I lead an organizing team to arrange their trip and preside a welcome party. While the challenges were great, we are convinced that our team had tried our best and our work was highly praised. I also challenged several kinds of part-time jobs out of the campus to enrich my experiences and get more chances to cooperate with different parties and matters. It helped me to know much more about this country and to discover how the different culture affects people’s reaction and behavior. This, I believe, would help me to respond effectively in an international business environment. Moreover, it strongly enhanced my confidence of living in a foreign country and gave me the full encouragement to chanllenge new targets.

[5]-what motivates me to apply for this job
With the solid knowledge and multinational cultural background, I desire to start my career in a global shipping company very much. I firmly believe that joining *** Company would be the right choice for me. First of all, my education background makes a perfect fit with the worldwide container transport business that your company is involved. I am going to be able to apply my theoretical knowledge; on the other hand, the company will be able to benefit from my Asian culture background, too. Additionally, the fast growth of fleet scale and the incredible expanding of shipping routes network your company has completed in recent years impressed me very much. In the centuries-old shipping industry, ***, as a relative newcomer, has been able to fully utilize modern information technologies and chosen the optimal approach to make the entire system more efficient. A company likes this is definitely going to make more significant achievement in the future, so I look forward to working and growing with the potential team. Personally speaking, *** is the best choice for me is also because of my deep interest in the European culture. Grown up under Asian culture, I am very curious to work in a different culture and in a different language, as I am ambitious to learn more everyday.

A copy of my Curriculum Vitae is enclosed which will give you further informations of my studies and other activites. I hope that my qualifications and skills would enable me to work for you. I am very confident that I could make considerable contribution to your company and you would be very satisfied with my work.

Thank you very much for your kind consideration, I look forward to your positive reply.

Yours faithfully,
Liu Miaojia
***
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
Hi

Thats interesting,i meet your posts accidentally.im now studying in world maritime university,port management.i would like to know how job apportunities there for this specialization.thats very kind of you!
yes ther are a lot of port managment in swiss because it is an ocean island. LOL imo