Hello, this is my opinion paragraph about the disadvantages of mobile phones. I hope I can receive advice on this paragraph. Any feedback will be very precious for me to improve. Thank you very much.

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Although mobile phones have many advantages, they surely had their cons affecting many aspects in our lives. First, using mobile phones for a long time can have bad effect on our eyes. The light from its screen will gradually damage our eye sight if we spend too much time using it. Nowadays, more and more people, especially kids and teenagers are have problem with their eyes and have to wear glasses. Some have used mobile phone since 2 or 3 years old because parents find it easier to work while keeping their kids occupied with phones. Second, spending time on mobile phones too much can make us lazier. I mean, with the advanced technology nowadays, just some simple clicks and we have almost everything delivered to our house. We don’t want to go out to markets, supermarkets, or malls anymore. Books also can be read on mobile phones. We can download and play any games at any time. Therefore, less time is spent on exercises and this can lead to increased health problems. Third, we are addicted to mobile phones when we are too dependent on them. It is as if we can’t live without them. A recent survey shows that 90% people check their phones as soon as they wake up. Many constantly check their phones to see if they have new messages, even during meeting or lecture. Some of them shut themselves in their rooms and hardly make any real interaction. Fourth, mobile phones can reduce our attention span. We are easily distracted while working or studying when our phone is nearby. And the last, mobile phones can cause us anxiety and depression. Biologically, the ray from them can somehow affect our brain. Psychologically, because we depend on them too much, we are more likely to angrier, more anxious when they are out of battery; because we keep shut ourselves in and don’t make much interaction with outside world, we easily fall into depression or some disorders. To sum up, mobile phones can have many serious negative effects on our lives, and we should use them carefully and wisely.

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Thanks for reading up to now

You need to review the English verb system. You frequently use incorrect tenses and forms. Also, you omit required articles (a, an, the).


Although mobile phones have many advantages, they surely had (past tense - this one verb destroys your essay. There were cons in the past, but these do not exist any more. ) their cons affecting many aspects in our lives. First, using mobile phones for a long time can affect have bad effect on our eyes. The light from its (incorrect pronoun. The antecedent (underlined) is plural.) screen will gradually damage our eyesight eye sight if we spend too much time using it. Nowadays, more and more people, especially kids and teenagers are have (There is no such verb form in English) problem with their eyes and have to wear glasses. Some have used a mobile phone since they were two or three 2 or 3 years old because their parents find (wrong tense) it easier to work while keeping their kids occupied with phones. Second, spending too much time on mobile phones too much can make us lazy. lazier. I mean, with the advanced technology nowadays, Don't use these hackneyed expressions.) with the availability of online shopping, we never run to the stores. Just some simple clicks and we have almost everything delivered to our house. We don’t (Do not use contractions in formal essays. They are ok in other forms of writing.) want to go out to markets, supermarkets, or malls anymore. Books also can be read on mobile phones. We can download and play any games at any time. Therefore, less time is spent on exercise / exercising exercises and this can lead to increased health problems. Third, we are becoming addicted to mobile phones when we are too dependent on them. (That is the same idea as "addicted" It is repetitious.) It is as if we can’t live without them. A recent survey shows that 90% people (There are reasonable people, short people, generous people and old people, but there are no 90% people.) check their phones as soon as they wake up. Many constantly check their phones to see if they have new messages, even during a meeting or lecture. Some of them shut themselves in their rooms and have hardly make any real meaningful interpersonal interactions. Fourth, mobile phones can reduce our attention span. We are easily distracted while working or studying when our phone is nearby. And finally, the last, mobile phones can cause us anxiety and depression. Biologically, the ray (wrong word. You need "radiation") from them can somehow affect our brain. Psychologically, because we depend on them too much, we are more likely to angrier, (angrier is not a verb.) more anxious when their battery is dead. they are out of battery; because we keep shut ourselves in and don’t make much interaction with outside world, we easily fall into depression or some disorders. (This is repetitious. You already made these points. Besides, the English is not good.) To sum up, mobile phones can have many serious negative effects on our lives, and we should use them carefully and wisely.

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Thank you very much. I can't imagine how silly some of these mistakes are. I mean, when I do small exercises (key word transformation, for instance), I am not too bad. However, putting it together into a paragraph is a totally different matter.

By the way, I wouldn't have noticed these mistakes if it hadn't been for you. I'm very grateful.