Hi, thanks for spending time with me here. I appreciate that you made efforts and gave me valuable advice on my clumsy writing. I'm learning from my mistakes, and from your feedback as well. Have a lovely day!
Task 2: Many things can influence the academic achievement and emotional growth of a student. In this regard, peers have more of an impact than teachers do. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
People argue that the influence of peers on a student’s academic achievement and emotional growth is more significant than that of teachers. I completely disagree with this statement.
First and foremost, when it comes to academic aspects, teachers are, in most cases, very likely to be a student’s main source of knowledge. As they are called, “teach-ers”, their sole purpose is to teach. Through interaction with teachers, students can gain information to build an understanding of a particular subject. Not every kid was born gifted - in fact, only a few were - much of what they know about that subject is limited by what they were taught. The amount of knowledge, which is the main means to earn academic achievement, that a child gained is in a direct ratio with the amount their teachers gave them.
As for the emotional growth of the student, teachers also play such a crucial role in guiding that student in a broader view, not just school work but other aspects in life as well. Most of the time, students do not simply view teachers as “teaching machines”, but as models and inspirations. Second to parents and family members in general, teachers are the ones that many students will turn to for advice whenever they have problems. Not just when they cannot solve math or put together a 200-word essay, but also when they are going through a breakup, or having a fight with their best friends. Kids look up to their teacher, again, most of the time, they want to impress these people, they want their favorite teachers to favor them. When they get their expectations fallen short in these situations, that student gets hurt emotionally. Or in worse scenarios, a student suffering from teachers’ bullies will develop severe mental problems.
In conclusion, for the reasons mentioned above, I strongly believe that a student bears more impact, both in an academic and emotional context, from their teachers than their peers.
You wrote over 320 words. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores. There are many reasons.
First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.
Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task completion or coherence and cohesion.
Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.
Fourth, you will take a lot of time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.
Fifth, you will not have enough time to spend on Task 1, and get a lower score there.
Aim to write around 270 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.
People argue that the influence of peers on a student’s academic achievement and emotional growth is more significant than that of teachers. I completely disagree with this statement.
Here are two ways to improve your introduction:
1. Avoid using the same words as in the instructions. Capture the essence of the task in your own words. I highlighted the copied words.
2. Avoid stating "I disagree/agree" period. Give a hint as to your major reason.
Here is an example:
The school years, particularly for teenagers, represent a time of growth and learning. Both classmates and teachers can steer a student to maturity, and in some people's opinion, social groups have the stronger effect. I completely disagree since, in my experience, a good teacher can inspire and make significant life-long impressions.
In the body paragraphs, you can improve by giving examples from personal experience. Describe one teacher that was the favorite of many students and why.
First and foremost, when it comes to academic aspects, teachers are, in most cases, very likely to be (This is extremely weak, "in most cases" and "likely" are synonyms and very tentative in meaning. It is much better to make strong, definitive statements.) a student’s main source of knowledge. As they are called, “teach-ers”, their sole purpose is to teach. Through interaction with teachers, students can gain information to build an understanding of a particular subject. Not every child kid ("kid" is not a formal word) was born gifted - in fact, only a few were - much of what they know about that subject is limited by what they were taught. (There is a major difference between gifted and knowledge. A gifted student has above-average intelligence in one dimension or another. They might have an ear for music, an eye for art or a facility with numbers They are definitely not born with knowledge!. ) The amount of knowledge, which is the main means to earn academic achievement, that a child gains gained is in a direct ratio with the amount their teachers gave them. (A stronger point is: the dedicated, inspirational teacher, who encourages all students to learn is rare, but every student will have a favorite teacher. The present materials in different ways, using games, visuals, and team-learning exercises, to convey the most challenging subjects. Even the slowest learner will succeed under such a teacher Now you can describe your favorite teacher and how they influenced you. That is a much better approach than making statements.)
As for the emotional growth of the student, teachers also play such a crucial role in guiding that student in a broader view, not just school work but other aspects in life as well. Most of the time, students do not simply view teachers as “teaching machines”, but as models and inspirations. Second to parents and family members in general, teachers are the ones that many students will turn to for advice whenever they have problems. Not just when they cannot solve math or put together a 200-word essay, but also when they are going through a breakup in a relationship, or having a fight with their best friends. Kids look up to their teacher, again, most of the time, they want to impress these people, (Your sentence has comma splices. DO not join main clauses with a comma. It is an error of grammar.) they want their favorite teachers to favor them. When they get their expectations are not met, fallen short in these situations, that student gets hurt emotionally. Or in worse scenarios, a student suffering from teachers’ bullies will develop severe mental problems. (I think you are defeating your argument in describing a negative impact.)
In conclusion, for the reasons mentioned above, (This is unnecessary. Do not refer to your writing.) I strongly believe that a student bears more impact, both in an academic and emotional context, from their teachers than their peers.
Hi, thanks for pointing it out for me. I am trying to working on avoiding writing too long (which I do a lot of times). As you said, lots of practice will help me achieve that with fewer efforts, so I will keep spending time improve myself.
Hi, thanks for your kindness. As I read through your feedback, I realized many new things.
However, there are some points that I may have different views from your, so I would like to discuss more with you if that is appropriate.
1. In the introduction part, you recommended I write this:
The school years, particularly for teenagers, represent a time of growth and learning. Both classmates and teachers can steer a student to maturity, and in some people's opinion, social groups have a stronger effect.
In my opinion, this doesn't really reflect what the topic wants to express. This, despite being an amazing introduction, doesn't mention the two specific approaches mentioned in the topic: academic achievement and emotional growth. I am not sure is it necessary to mention those two in my essay.
2. Kids look up to their teacher, again, most of the time, they want to impress these people, (Your sentence has comma splices. DO not join main clauses with a comma. It is an error of grammar.) they want their favorite teachers to favor them.
So will it be better if I change this sentence into Kids look up to their teacher again, most of the time, they want to impress these people, they want their favorite teachers to favor them?
3. When they get their expectations fallen short in these situations, that student gets hurt emotionally. Or in worse scenarios, a student suffering from teachers’ bullies will develop severe mental problems.
So you think that "I think you are defeating your argument in describing a negative impact." but that wasn't my intention. My argument was about teachers have a greater impact on students, I didn't specifically mention that the impact was either good or bad. I only used these sentences to better show how teachers can affect a student's emotional growth, but I wonder whether my approach was a suitable one or not.
Anyway, thank you again and have a lovely day!
NgTh. HgDThe school years, particularly for teenagers, represent a time of growth and learning. Both classmates and teachers can steer a student to maturity, and in some people's opinion, social groups have a stronger effect.
In my opinion, this doesn't really reflect what the topic wants to express. This, despite being an amazing introduction, doesn't mention the two specific approaches mentioned in the topic: academic achievement and emotional growth. I am not sure is it necessary to mention those two in my essay.
That is wonderful and close observation. It is necessary to cover both ideas. In the introduction, you have to express these ideas, but in your own words. I avoided the phrases that are in the essay instructions and used vocabulary that is synonymous.
"growth" is development - physically and mentally
"learning" of course is a synonym for academics. It has the idea of complete learning, which is achievement in school.
"maturity" also captures the idea of mental as well as physical development.
In the introduction, you cannot flesh out all the ideas completely, so you have to give mentions or hints.
NgTh. HgDKids look up to their teacher again, most of the time, they want to impress these people, they want their favorite teachers to favor them?
Kids look up to their teacher again, (That is a main clause, ended with a comma.)
Most of the time, they want to impress these people, (That is a main clause, ended with a comma.)
They want their favorite teachers to favor them. (That is a main clause, ended with a full stop (period).)
So you have made a sentence by joining three main clauses with commas.
That is a "comma splice error." I bet that you make this error quite frequently. Here is a resource on how to recognize and fix these errors.
https://chompchomp.com/terms/commasplice.htm
Hi, so I understood what you meant by the introduction, I surely will use it in my improvised essay.
As for the comma slice problem, I initially wanted to express that the facts "Kids look up to their teacher", "they want to impress these people, they want their favorite teachers to favor them." are only true "most of the times", and also because I already used this phrase on the previous part, I just thought that having an "again" would make my essay sounds more natural. I wonder whether it is correct if I change the sentence into " Kids look up to their teacher, again, most of the time, and they want to impress these people, they want their favorite teachers to favor them."
Thanks for your help.
NgTh. HgD I wonder whether it is correct if I change the sentence into " Kids look up to their teacher, again, most of the time, and they want to impress these people, they want their favorite teachers to favor them."
No, it is not correctly punctuated. Using a comma to connect main clauses is only allowed when the clauses are a lexical series. In that case, there must be a coordinating conjunction before the final element in the series. It is relatively uncommon to use main clauses in series.
Here is the way to fix the grammar.
Kids look up to their teacher most of the time, because most of the time they want to impress them, and especially they want their favorite teachers to favor them.
However it was a rather clumsy sentence to begin with. It does not flow well, and it is not very logical. THe reader is a bit confused.
Here is something better:
Students look up to their teachers as a matter of curtesy and respect, but also they know that by doing this, their teachers will give them favors and good marks.
Thanks, I got it now.
Anyway, if you have time, would you mind taking a look over some of my newest essays? I posted it a few days ago but have not received any feedback yet. I would really appreciate it if you could help me with them. Here are the links:
Writing Part 2 IELTS Agree/Disagree:
Topic 1: In many countries, imprisonment is the most common solution to crimes. However, some people believe that better education will be a more effective solution. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
https://www.englishforums.com/English/WritingPartIeltsAgreeDisagreeTruly-Appreciate/bplhbg/post.htm
Topic 2: It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
https://www.englishforums.com/English/WritingPartIeltsAgreeDisagree/bplvxc/post.htm
Writing Part 1 IELTS - Line Graph:
Topic 1: The chart below shows the amount of oil produced and consumed in China between 1982 and 2006.
https://www.englishforums.com/English/WritingPartIeltsLineGraphTruly-Appreciate/bplgpc/post.htm
Topic 2: The graph below gives information about the percentage of people living in Australia who were born in Asia, the UK, and other regions.
https://www.englishforums.com/English/WritingPartIeltsLineGraphTruly-Appreciate/bplvmv/post.htm
Again, thank you. Have a lovely day!