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Hi everyone, I completed a number of IELTS essays to prepare for my IELTS test and I need a help to find out and correct them. Could you please help me by correcting this essay?

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Reading story books is better for children than watching television or playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent years, the development of digital technologies has facilitated for the promotion of TV shows and computer games and this promotion has remained a source of controversy to modern social whether it can benefit our children like reading books or not. Although having massive disadvantages harming children’s mind, I personally believe that TV shows and computer games have their own benefits to children nowadays.

There are numerous positive influences that digital products can result on children, parents or both. First, it is obvious that many TV programs and digital games are designed for children and these products contain educational values which play an important role in constructing good manners in children. Apple, for example, is a pioneer on developing education-oriented contents in mobile phones, tablets and televisions. Thanks to online stores, parents can find applications, games and movies for not only children but also themselves. Additionally, digital lessons in TVs, computers and other devices also provide an effective solution for education, which area that meet several difficulties on delivering educational contents to students. By employing pictures, sounds and animation effects, lessons delivered by TVs and other electronic devices are seemly more attractive to young children compared to traditional books.

On the other hand, the decision of choosing methods and contents of studying belong to parents and children. Traditional books have been considered as good for students but they still have their own downsides. Beside the main downside of being a boring way to deliver information, several types of books, which are not chosen carefully by parents, can cause negative effects to children’s mind and manners. Therefore, the dilemma question whether traditional books is better than digital contents from TVs and computers or not can just be answered by parents, who own the responsibility for choosing educational methods for own future generation.

In conclusion, I totally disagree with the idea that reading books is better than playing computer games or watching TV. The answers of which the better is highly depended on educational contents we choose.

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In recent years, the development of digital technologies has facilitated for the promotion of TV shows and computer games and this promotion has remained a source of controversy to modern social whether it can benefit our children like reading books or not. (Your sentence is not good. I cannot understand it because of all the mistakes in usage. For now, write simple, clear sentences. Do not try to write complex sentences. Your English skills will improve as you practice.)

Although having massive disadvantages harming children’s mind, (wrong form) I personally believe that TV shows and computer games have their own benefits to children nowadays.

(You did not answer the question: To what extent do you agree or disagree? It is very important in IELTS Task 2 to read the instructions and answer the question. This is not an advantages/ disadvantages type of essay.)

There are numerous positive influences that digital products can result (wrong word) on children, parents or both. First, it is obvious that many TV programs and digital games are designed for children and these products contain educational values which play an important role in constructing teaching good manners in to children. Apple, for example, is a pioneer in on developing education-oriented apps for contents in mobile phones, tablets and televisions. Thanks to online stores, parents can find applications, games and movies for not only children but also themselves. (YOu have gone off-topic. The instructions do not mention adults. ) Additionally, digital lessons on in TVs, computers and other devices also provide an effective solution for education, which area that meet several difficulties (Give an example of a "difficulty.") on delivering educational contents to students. By employing pictures, sounds and animation effects, lessons delivered by TVs and other electronic devices are seemly more attractive to young children compared to traditional books.

On the other hand, the decision of choosing methods and contents of studying (The instructions did not mention studying at all.) belong to parents and children. Traditional books have been considered as good for students but they still have their own downsides. Beside the main downside of being a boring way to deliver information, (That is not the topic. ) several types of books, which are not chosen carefully by parents, can cause negative effects to children’s mind and manners. Therefore, the dilemma question whether traditional books is better than digital contents from TVs and computers or not can just be answered by parents, who own the responsibility for choosing educational methods for own future generation. (You are off-topic. The instructions are clearly about preschool children (ages 2-5) who cannot read by themselves. )

In conclusion, I totally disagree with the idea that reading books is better than playing computer games or watching TV. The answers of which the better is highly depended on the educational contents we choose.


You will get a low score for not following the instructions.

This is an example of reading storybooks to children.

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Comments  

Thank you for your very careful correction Emotion: big smile