Can sbd please correct my essay and give bandscore if possible? Thanks a lot!!!!


The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is believed that the role of women in both family and community has changed significantly since the last two decades due to the rise of feminism. Although many people assume that it is a positive development, this change, in some ways, is considered as a main cause of the growth in juvenile-related delinquency. In my opinion, I completely disagree with the latter idea for these following reasons.

Firstly, the gender equality allows both men and women to have the same opportunities of jobs nowadays. Therefore, women are no longer a homemaker as they were before. They have chances and abilities to work in various aspects in order to share financial burden with their husband and provide their children comfortable lives. Furthermore, I strongly believe that child-rearing is not only women responsibilities. The duties of fathers concerning fostering descendants should not be ignored. Bringing up children and forming their good manners is certainly an arduous process which requires the attribution of both father and mother. The more each of parents could cover their own duties of paying effective attention to children, the more assurance they could achieve concerning having children away from any misleading behaviors.

Secondly, I believe that the increase in adolescent crime is somehow caused by the modern society but not the mother. As the technology is developing more and more quickly, teenagers these days can easily approach numerous inappropriate data such as violent and pornographic images through Internet. Because children at this age are immature and lack of understanding, they may imitate these images, which soon lead to juvenile criminal. Moreover, some friends can bring bad influences on a child’s manners. Adolescent have a tendency to spend more time with friends than family, so they can possibly commit crime if their friends entice them. Even if the mothers just stays at home and takes care of their offspring, there is no guarantee that juvenile delinquency will not happen.

In conclusion, beside the society, it seems that the quality of relations between parents and children play a vital role in depriving tendency of teenagers to crime but not the quantity of time spent. However, married women still need to balance between professional and personal time to minimize the risk of juvenile criminal behaviors.

Here are more comments on structure. Structure is key to getting good marks.


Also, don't say eg I strongly believe the Earth is round.

Don't say eg 'I believe the Earth is round.

Just say eg The earth is round.

This is a silly example, but you are making this mistake in your essay. I have struck out some of the places that you have done this.



The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is believed that the role of women in both family and community has changed significantly since the last two decades due to the rise of feminism. Although many people assume that it is a positive development, this change, in some ways, is considered as a main cause of the growth in juvenile-related delinquency. In my opinion, I completely disagree with the latter idea for these following reasons. Briefly say what these reasons are. Then go on to discuss them in your body paragraphs.

Firstly, the gender equality allows both men and women to have the same opportunities of jobs nowadays. <<< Is this the main topic that you will discuss in this paragraph? I don't think so.Therefore, women are no longer a homemaker as they were before. They have chances and abilities to work in various aspects in order to share financial burden with their husband and provide their children comfortable lives. Furthermore, I strongly believe that child-rearing is not only women responsibilities. <<< I think this is the topic sentence for this paragraph.The duties of fathers concerning fostering descendants should not be ignored. Bringing up children and forming their good manners is certainly an arduous process which requires the attribution of both father and mother. The more each of parents could cover their own duties of paying effective attention to children, the more assurance they could achieve concerning having children away from any misleading behaviors.

Secondly, I believe that the increase in adolescent crime is somehow caused by the modern society but not the mother. As the technology is developing more and more quickly, teenagers these days can easily approach numerous inappropriate data such as violent and pornographic images through Internet. Because children at this age are immature and lack of understanding, they may imitate these images, which soon lead to juvenile criminal. Moreover, some friends can bring bad influences on a child’s manners. Adolescent have a tendency to spend more time with friends than family, so they can possibly commit crime if their friends entice them. Even if the mothers just stays at home and takes care of their offspring, there is no guarantee that juvenile delinquency will not happen.

In conclusion, beside the society, it seems that the quality of relations between parents and children play a vital role in depriving tendency of teenagers to crime but not the quantity of time spent. However, married women still need to balance between professional and personal time to minimize the risk of juvenile criminal behaviors. You haven't briefly restated your two main points. And I don't think you have clearly answered the question you were asked.

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The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. Discuss.
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Hello anonymous,

1- Please start a new thread for unrelated questions.

2- You're much more likely to get a response if you sign up and get your own username. It's free to join and use the forum, by the way.

3- We do not write essays. If you write your own essay and post it to the forum, we'll see if we can help you with it.