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Topic: At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.

Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

This is my essay. If possible, which band score is my essay? Many thanks.

Indeed, the population of youngers is indeed higher than the percentage of older people, for instance, East-Souths Asia or West Europe countries. Despite some obvious disadvantages of this trend, I would argue that these are more significant than the advantages.

On the one hand, the young barely accounting of total population has its negative impacts. First of all, it is worth considering the distributed population density among metropolises and countrysides. As the bulk of young people usually private in regions having a crowded and hectic lifestyle for working and living, the demand for food and lodging in metropolises will rise. Another prominent issue of this phenomenon is the young population, leading to an increase in the rate of unemployed. The labour demand is not infinite; hence the supply and demand workforce equilibrium is disrupted, unemployment insurance funds could be stressed out.

On the other hand, there are strong reasons that the benefits are more significant than such disadvantages. One reason for this view that there will have a boost up in the economy. National development would be wonderfully aided by having a highly productive workforce. Another factor to consider is medical system costs. As the proportion of younger adults is higher than the share of older people, resulting in reduced burdens on healthcare systems. Likewise, it is less requiring healthcare services from the young workforces, the government would save much more finance for other factors, instead of health care systems for the older. As the proportion of younger adults is higher than the share of older people, resulting in reduced burdens on healthcare systems. Likewise, it is less requiring healthcare services from the young workforces, the government would save much more finance for other factors, instead of health care systems for the older.

In conclusion, although there have still several negative issues, it seems to me that the advantages of the large population of youngsters instead of the old are more significant than the disadvantages.

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Indeed, the population of youngers (wrong word) is indeed (repetition) higher than the percentage (wrong comparison. You cannot compare population and percentage.) of older people, for instance, East-Souths Asia or West Europe countries. (Ungrammatical) Despite some obvious disadvantages of this trend, I would argue that these are more significant than the advantages.

On the one hand, the young barely accounting of total population (Ungrammatical ) has its negative impacts. First of all, it is worth considering the distributed population density among metropolises and countrysides. As the bulk of young people usually private (wrong word) in regions having a crowded and hectic lifestyle for working and living, the demand for food and lodging in metropolises will rise. Another prominent issue of this phenomenon (wrong word) is the young population, leading to an increase in the rate of unemployed. (unnatural, ungrammatical) The labour demand is not infinite; (Nothing in the real world is infinite. ) hence the supply and demand workforce equilibrium (That makes no sense) is disrupted, unemployment insurance funds could be stressed out. I did not understand much of this paragraph. It is too ungrammatical and unnatural. You are trying to write sophisticated, high-level writing, but it simply fails to be comprehensible.)

On the other hand, there are strong reasons that the benefits are more significant than these such disadvantages. One reason for this view that there will have a boost up (ungrammatical) in the economy. National development would be wonderfully aided by having a highly productive workforce. Another factor to consider is medical system costs. As the proportion of younger adults is higher than the share of older people, resulting in reduced burdens on healthcare systems. (ungrammatical) Likewise, it is less requiring healthcare services from the young workforces, (wrong form) the government would save much more finance (wrong word) for other factors, instead of health care systems for the older. (You have repeated these sentences.) As the proportion of younger adults is higher than the share of older people, resulting in reduced burdens on healthcare systems. Likewise, it is less requiring healthcare services from the young workforces, the government would save much more finance for other factors, instead of health care systems for the older.

In conclusion, although there are have still several negative effects / consequences / implications issues, it seems to me that the advantages of the large population of youngsters (wrong word) instead of the old are more significant than the disadvantages.


In the opening paragraph, you wrote:

Despite some obvious disadvantages, I would argue that these are more significant than the advantages.

In the conclusion, you wrote

the advantages of  ... are more significant than the disadvantages.

If you blatantly contradict yourself like that, you will lose a lot of points for "task response".

You must take one position and argue it consistently and coherently. Your arguments must be clearly stated. The purpose of writing is clear communication of your ideas. It is not to impress an examiner of your vocabulary and ability to write complicated sentences.


Youngsters are pre-teenagers, aged about 7-12. The topic is about adults, people aged 18-25, not children.

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Comments  

I really thank you for your helpful advice. Next time, I will be more attention to where to post essays.

Thanks a lot.

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