Hi. Obviously, I'm a new member here, wasn't really neccessary to state the obvious but anyhow, I'd just like to post my practice essay i prepared prior to my upcoming english exams. It's about The Shawshank Redemption. Anyone's comments will be most appreciated. Anything from criticism or general comments. Thanks.
Emotion: big smile

---------------------------------------------------

Topic: “The Shawshank Redemption is about hope, redemption and salvation. Discuss” (extract)

---------------------------------------------------

The Shawshank Redemption is easily recognized as a tale about friendship, patience, hope and ultimate redemption. Hope is a wish or desire accompanied by the expectation of its fulfillment. This trait is, however, the underlying essential in order to achieve the procurement of freedom. “Salvation lies within.” There is absolutely no doubt about this statement. The Shawshank Redemption portrays, in the face of persecution and brutality, that hope and redemption is intangible but proves that it is definitely not out of reach.

Hope is clearly a quality that surpasses the significance of any other quality present in the Shawshank Redemption. Its nature can set an individual free from isolation and imprisonment; it only takes one remarkable person to understand it and show its brilliance to others. In this case, Andy Dufresne epitomizes this feature and saves himself from prison. Through harsh conditions and wrong prosecution, he continues to pose as the figure who illuminates hope and the sense of freedom to his inmates, but also demonstrates, consequently, that the Shawshank Redemption is ultimately about hope, redemption and salvation.

The introduction for Andy Dufresne in his new concrete-enclosed cell is very much unpleasant, as he sits there overhearing the cries of an inmate being belted with a rain of baton blows. His first night in his new home was particularly a horrible one. As Andy becomes familiarized with his prison environment, he quickly becomes discretely acquainted with Red and personally discovers that, although prison life is a constant struggle through pain and suffering, it is one life that still contains values that he should uphold, including remembering the chance of freedom – through conquering fears and reaching redemption. This interpretation of prison life serves the purpose of reinforcing the idea that the film endeavours to base itself on the theme of hope and from that, the theme of redemption.

The film at its inception is rather dismal and depressing as the surroundings of Andy are explored. He is furthered subjected to cruel and ceaseless beating sessions with the sisters. Even through the course of this occurrence for two years, he is able to continue to hold onto hope and strives through torment, under false conviction, for an additional eighteen years. This type of brutality is acknowledged by Red, who describes, “prison life is no fairy-tale world” ...........

---------------------------------------------------
Some quick points for you.

The Shawshank Redemption is easily recognized as a tale about friendship, patience, hope and ultimate redemption. Hope is a wish or desire accompanied by the expectation of its fulfillment. This trait is, however, the underlying essential in order to achieve the procurement of freedom clumsy sentence. “Salvation lies within.” There is absolutely no doubt about this statement. The Shawshank Redemption portrays, in the face of persecution and brutality, that hope and redemption is are intangible but proves that it is they are definitely not out of reach.

Hope is clearly a quality that surpasses the significance of any other quality present in the Shawshank Redemption. Its nature can set an individual free from isolation and imprisonment; it only takes one remarkable person to understand it and show its brilliance to others. In this case, Andy Dufresne epitomizes this feature and saves himself from prison. Through harsh conditions and wrong wrongful prosecution, he continues to pose as the figure who illuminates hope and the sense of freedom to his inmates, but also demonstrates, consequently, that the Shawshank Redemption is ultimately about hope, redemption and salvation. long sentence

The introduction for Andy Dufresne in his new concrete-enclosed cell is very much unpleasant, as he sits there overhearing the cries of an inmate being belted with a rain of baton blows. clumsy phrasingHis first night in his new home was particularly a a particularly horrible one. As Andy becomes familiarized with his prison environment, he quickly becomes discretely acquainted with Red and personally discovers that, although prison life is a constant struggle through pain and suffering, it is one life that still contains values that he should uphold, including remembering the chance of freedom – through conquering fears and reaching redemption. sentence is too long. This interpretation of prison life serves the purpose of reinforcing the idea that the film endeavours to base itself on the theme of hope and from that, the theme of redemption.

The film at its inception is rather dismal and depressing as the surroundings of Andy are explored. He is furthered furthered is unnecessarysubjected to cruel and ceaseless beating sessions with bythe sisters. Even through the course of this occurrence for two years clumsy phrase, he is able to continue to hold onto hope and strives through torment, under false conviction, for an additional eighteen years. This type of brutality is acknowledged by Red, who describes, says “prison life is no fairy-tale world”
Hello Akiyo

Further to Nona's comments:

1. 'he continues to pose as the figure' : 'to pose as' means 'to pretend to be', which I think is the opposite meaning to the one you intend.

2. 'The introduction for Andy Dufresne in his new concrete-enclosed cell is very much unpleasant...' > 'The introduction of AD to his new concrete-enclosed cell is very unpleasant.'

By 'concrete-enclosed', did you mean 'with concrete walls'? 'Concrete-enclosed' suggests that the concrete is somehow outside the cell.

3. 'being belted with a rain of baton blows': you can only be 'belted' with an object; also, 'blows' is superfluous after 'belted'.

4. 'discretely' > 'discreetly'; though the meaning of 'discreetly acquainted' is obscure.

5. 'ceaseless beating sessions': 'ceaseless' is not compatible with the meaning of 'session'.

Good luck!

MrP
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
Wow!
Thanks a lot, guys. You've been real helpful!
Emotion: smile